Bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh...

I received the below note from a friend who just became a father:

“I gotta say I first really felt like a father when I was holding her after she was born...she looked up at me and something inside me turned on, that I'd never felt.”

Powerful stuff indeed… Interestingly, I had a similar experience when the nurse put my first son, Jamin, in my arms. I was just 20 years old and, admittedly, a bit scared. I was clearly more comfortable on a football field than in a delivery room, and more comfortable with a football in my arms than a baby.

But when they handed Jamin to me, something in me just…clicked…like a light switch. When he looked up at me I said to myself, “Wow…this is my son.” Bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. Fatherhood changes everything.

I also remember feeling that I was grossly unprepared for my new role, especially since I grew up without my dad. Sure, I had attended LaMaze classes and a few prenatal doctor visits, and read selected pages from my wife’s “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book. But none of these things really spoke to me or seemed to be for me. And it seemed that my feeling and experience were not unique. In our Pop's Culture Survey, we found that nearly ½ of the fathers surveyed reported that they were not prepared to be fathers when they first became one.

That’s one of the reasons that when I joined NFI 8 years ago, I championed our efforts to develop resources like “Doctor Dad™,” “When Duct Tape Won’t Work™,” and “Daddy Packs for New Dads™” to equip dads right from the start. Unlike me, fathers needs to walk into the delivery room with more than just a bit of anxiety and a checkbook and need to walk out of the delivery room with more than just the bill and the baby.

In any case, got a story about becoming a dad for the first time? I’d love to hear it. Also, if you are about to become a father and want to share about what is going on or if you’re a mom and want to tell about how becoming a dad affected the father of your children, chime in as well.

Paying More Attention to Fathers

The New York Times published an interesting article that not only highlights the importance of involved fathers, but also the turnkey role that moms play in involving fathers. "A mother's support of the father turns out to be a critical factor in his involvement with their children."

It goes on to report findings that show that when a couple's relationship is strengthened and a couple has positive interactions, dads are much more likely to be involved and kids are much more likely to thrive. Truly a win-win situation.

This article explores the fact that the mother-father relationship is one of several factors that can affect father involvement. We know that dads don't parent in a bubble; that's why we built a session for mothers into our 24/7 Dad curriculum and why we've developed Mom as Gateway. These resources help break down the barriers between couples (regardless of marital status) so they can effectively co-parent.

As this article points out, more and more people are realizing just how important dads are - and that there are many factors to enabling their involvement. Helping moms and dads see eye-to-eye and respect each other's parenting styles is key to thriving kids and families.

Maxim's Advice for Dads

Maxim magazine (yes, that Maxim) published a list of "10 Things Every Father Should Teach His Son." Here is their list:

1. Never Fight Over a Woman
2. Never Let Anyone See You Punch Inanimate Objects
3. Buy the Women in Your Life Flowers
4. Know How to Make Scrambled Eggs
5. Always Buy a Laid-off Friend a Beer
6. Never Get Mad ... Get Even
7. Silence Is Golden
8. Drink Liquor Straight Up
9. Own a Roll of Duct Tape
10. Never Be Afraid to Dance

Now, some of these are pretty good (2, 3, 7), some of them are not so good (6, 8), and some of them are downright silly (1, 4, 5, 9, 10). Given the questionable content on their website, I will not link over to the list, where they provide brief explanations for each item.

All in all, I would classify this list as "how to be a man in the way 21st century manhood has been defined." You can take it for what it is worth from that perspective.

But we at NFI, of course, think there are a few important things that Maxim left off the list when it comes to the real, actual things that sons need to learn from their fathers.

A few suggestions, from the mundane to the profound:

• Work hard, even when no one is watching.
• Know how to fix a flat tire.
  
• Don't have children until you are married to their mother.
  
• Honesty actually is the best policy.
  
• Know how to cook.
  
• Have a good strong handshake.
• Always look people in the eye when you talk to them.
• Serve your community.
  
• Be willing and able to do house chores, like vacuuming, ironing, dusting, and washing dishes.
  
• Treat all of the women in your life with respect.
• Don't be afraid to experience and process the full range of emotions.
• Always keep an updated resume.
  

Do you have any more suggestions? What lessons will you share with your sons?

French Laundry Father

Today's New York Times carries the poignant story of father absence and reconciliation. Noted French Laundry chef Thomas Keller was only five years old when his father left his family. Years later father Ed and son Thomas started a relationship that had been basically nonexistent.

When the elder Keller had a serious car accident that left him paralyzed, Thomas Keller and longtime companion Laura Cunningham embarked on a year of care giving alongside their busy lives as food industry celebrities and authors. The impact of that renewed relationship had remarkable effects on Keller's professional and personal life. I'd recommend reading the entire story, but I found this quote about Thomas and his father's reconciliation quite vivid:

"It turns out that genetics do matter. Thomas Keller discovered that he was like his father in many ways, not the least of which was his height. The two shared a strong sense of economy, an appreciation of routine and the understanding of how powerful teamwork can be..."

Who Really Wants Work-Family Balance?

Even in time of recession, work-family balance is still a popular topic. As is this recent study from the British Equality and Human Rights Commission. They surveyed over 2,200 British fathers about issues related to work, to childcare and household responsibilities, and to differences between mom and dad.

Some of the findings:

• Fathers do want to spend more time with their children, and want to make their children a priority. 54% of dads with children under the age of 1 year felt that they spend too little time with their child.
  
• More mothers (34%) than fathers (23%) believe that child care is the primary responsibility of the mother.
• There is still a big gap between what flexible working options are available to fathers, and to what extent fathers are actually using those flexible work solutions.

This begs the question - do fathers continue to feel that using flexible work options is potentially damaging to their career? Or are there larger more diverse sets of reasons that fathers don't take the leave available to them?

Wild Things

I saw "Where the Wild Things Are" over the weekend. The artistry and creativity of the film are top notch. However, I am not sure that the film's message is especially helpful.

Without giving too much away, the film is about a boy struggling to come to grips with his parents' divorce.

The story effectively explores the emotions that many children of divorce go through. But, in the end, it communicates that it is a child's responsibility, not the adults' responsibility, to "grow up" and "get over" his parents' divorce.

The only conclusion I could draw from the story arc is that divorced parents really have little responsibility for the behavior of their child or the consequences of their actions - it is up to the child to come of age and deal with it so that his parents don't have to feel guilty.

If you have seen the movie, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Dads in the Delivery Room

NFI's Associate VP of National Programming, Ken Gosnell, just appeared on the Dr. Nancy show on MSNBC to debate the question: should dads be banned from the delivery room when their children are being born? Apparently a doctor in London has published a paper that says fathers (even male doctors) should be banned from the delivery room because it is better for mom.

Watch the segment here:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

NFI's position on this is clear and research-based: when dads are involved in the pregnancy and birth, they are more likely to stay involved in their children's lives. So, no, dads should not be banned from the delivery room.

What do you think?

The "Fathering Gap" in Education

This article, from yesterday's Washington Post, Making the Grade Isn't About Race. It's About Parents, is one of the more powerful pieces I have read in a while. Written by an English teacher from T.C. Williams High School in Alexandria, VA, it bravely confronts some of the most thorny issues around why some students do well in school and others don't.

The most fascinating thing about the conclusions he reaches about the "achievement gap" in education is that his students themselves - not the "experts" - are helping him see what the real issue is.

When he asked his students, mostly black, about why they don't study as hard as students from Africa, a student replied, "It's because they have fathers who kick their butts and make them study."

Another student said, "You ask the class, just ask how many of us have our fathers living with us."

When he did, not one hand went up.

Furthermore, when empirical evidence meets real world experience, you know you are onto something. Several studies, including a landmark study from the U.S. Department of Education, reflect the reality that this teacher is recognizing in his classroom - children with fathers in the home get better grades, are less likely to drop out, and enjoy school more.

Hopefully this article will help the "experts" - who like to focus on less important demographic data - rethink the solutions for helping our children do better in school. They, like this wise teacher, should start listening to the children they seek to serve.