The Father Factor

‘Eagle Daddy’ Should Change His Name To ‘Bad Daddy’

2012-02-10T21:34:00.003-05:00

Earlier this week, I came across a news item that I am still trying to process days later. A four-year old boy Chinese boy by the name of Ho Yide was videotaped by his father (only known as ‘eagle daddy’) as the child shivered in freezing temperatures in his underwear on Chinese New Year’s Eve. I defy anyone to look at young Ho’s face and not feel sadness for the boy.

The eagle daddy’s assistant referred to this cruel treatment as “training” for the boy as the father claimed was born several months prematurely. Eagle Daddy says he’s making Ho endure these trials in order to build up his physical and mental toughness. To make matters worse, Ho’s mother can be heard laughing in the background as he cries out from doing push-ups in the cold.

To the father, you should be ashamed of yourself. Not only are you crushing your boy’s emotional spirits, you also put him at risk for hypothermia and other illnesses as well. What father would take pride in toughening up their son by making them crawl around on a snow-covered New York street? Even on its cleanest day, no child should be walking on a city street without shoes and socks, no matter the weather. Take into account vermin and trash and whatever else hidden under the snow, it just makes the instance more heinous.

Eagle Daddy seems to care less what the outside world thinks. He’s already relayed a defiant message via his assistant that he ‘doesn’t care what others say.’ As his father, he has a right to voice to the public that what he does with his child is not our business. However, filming your son crying in the cold as part of a regimen to improve the child’s heath makes Eagle Daddy an unfit father.

I happen to think Eagle Daddy is a bad daddy. This is my opinion and one I’m sticking to although I doubt few will disagree with that assertion. This is not fathering, this is pure physical torture. Looking at the body of evidence, what of Ho Yide’s despair caught on tape displays the making of a good father? How does physical and mental abuse inspire greatness in a growing child?

I hope that the Eagle Daddy stops the abuse and realizes he’s doing far more harm than good. For now, I pray that Ho doesn’t grow into becoming a broken young man due to the cruel iron hand of his father. Ho Yide deserves better treatment from his father. It is truly too bad his daddy doesn’t see the error in his actions.

The Tie That Binds

2012-02-08T17:41:00.002-05:00

I think most folks who know me wouldn’t dare commend me on my sartorial tastes although I’ve been known to look nice in a suit or two. I always admired watching my grandparents go out on their dates when I was much younger; my grandfather loved nothing more than a crisp button-down shirt and an expertly matched tie. I quietly envied his ability to always look sharp no matter the occasion.

I didn’t know how to put on a tie when I was a kid. For church, my mother gave me a array of clip-on ties to choose from and for a while, that’s all I knew. I didn’t learn how to wear a necktie until I was 22 years of age. I can even tell you the month. It was June of 1995. It was the day of my very first official job interview to work at a mailroom for a large corporation in Washington. I thought that it was time I graduated from clip-on ties to a real one. All of my friends were just as clueless as I was about ties, so I called my father in a long shot to ask for his help.

My father and I, to this day, are not close. We were especially estranged at this point although he lived just 2 miles north from me. I took a chance calling him, after so many disappointing days and nights he would promise to see me and wouldn’t show up. The pain of his absence and the longing for my father still exists today. However on a hot summer day, my father heeded my call.

He came to my mother’s house, beaming. I wanted my dad to be proud of me. I tried to tie the necktie myself, making a mockery of it. My father, with his big laugh, stood in front of me and said, “son, let me show you what to do.” He doesn’t know this but it was like being five years old again. When I was in kindergarten, my dad took me to see the classic Sci-Fi film Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. To this day, I’ll watch the movie and I’ll pretend I’m at the Landover Drive-In in his big sedan watching it with him.

Much like that moment, I hold on to the tie lesson because it was one of the few times my father showed he cared about me. He actually was close enough for me to hug him but I feared I would push him away with my emotions. I just held all of those feelings of wanting my dad deep inside. The lesson was a painful reminder of all the things I wish he taught me as a boy that I missed out on in the 17 years he left our home.

It’s been nearly 17 years since that moment. 17 years I’ve been putting on my necktie the same way my dad showed me on that day. I refuse to learn any other method for the most selfish reason in the world. It’s the only thing tangible of my father I have, the only proof that at some point my father may have actually loved me.

It doesn’t hurt as much these days to know all I have are brief memories and small moments with my father. I’m slowly trying to heal from the absence although I’m not out of the woods yet. For now, I find satisfaction in putting on my tie and knowing my dad taught me a skill that I’ll value for life.

Are Dads Still Second-Class Parents?

2012-02-08T13:38:00.004-05:00

I just read on the New York Times' parenting blog, Motherlode (we will discuss this title later...), that the U.S. Census Bureau considers the time that fathers spend at home caring for children while mom works "child care," but does not do the same for the time when mom is home with the kids and dad works. This is because the Census Bureau considers moms the "designated parent." So mom's time caring for kids while dad is away is "parenting" and dad's time is... something else.

The Times does not agree with this assessment. Nor do we. But should we really be surprised?

I mentioned we would discuss the title of the New York Times' own parenting blog. It is called Motherlode. Isn't that an assumption, in and of itself, that mothers are to be considered the primary parent? The tagline of Parenting magazine was, until very recently, "What Matters to Moms." Parenting books are written for moms. The tagline of the book The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is, "This is a story about a mother, two daughters, and two dogs." This was a married mother with the father living in the same home, but he is apparently a lower life form than the two dogs. Most brands in their advertising pretend that dad does not make any family purchasing decisions (although a few notable exceptions, like Tide and Nissan are cropping up). The list goes on.

In other words, our culture surrounds us with messages - some intentional, some not - that moms are still the more important parent. So, we should not be terribly surprised by how the Census Bureau views this issue. After all, the government typically reflects cultural values and is not usually on the cutting edge of changing them.

But back to what the Census reporting is doing... Motherlode aptly points out that mothers are just as much a victim of this mentality. As their post says, mothers are "on the hook every time" when it comes to taking care of kids. In that sense, moms are the victims of their own success - they fought to achieve the status of being able to raise families in any situation, but now there is an expectation that they always will, and dad is off the hook.

This is not empowering to dads, moms, and, most importantly, to children who deserve to have both moms and dads responsibly and equally involved in their lives.

What We Can Learn From French Parents

2012-02-07T11:35:00.000-05:00

This Saturday's Wall Street Journal had an article titled, Why French Parents Are Superior. Before I even read it, I knew there would be something to blog about...

Turns out that the reason the writer, Pamela Druckerman, believes that American parents have something to learn from the French is actually pretty simple (and I agree with her!). The article's thesis is summed up in this line: "They [the French] assume that even good parents aren't at the constant service of their children, and that there is no need to feel guilty about this."

You would think that most American parents would "get" this, but with the introduction of terms like "hyperparenting" and "helicopter parenting" entering the vernacular in recent years, it is clear that our culture (at least our middle-class culture) has become too "child-centric."

Here at NFI, we often say that the most important relationship in the house is the one between mom and dad. If they are doing well, they are more likely to do well by their children. Children get a sense of stability and learn how to relate to others by watching their parents. So, to serve children best, mom and dad must focus on their own relationship first.

So, in that sense, NFI has always espoused (pun intended) a "French" ideal. This is counter to the American ideal which seems to have placed the parent-child relationship at the center (mom-child, really), with all other relationships (mainly mom and dad's marriage) in heated competition for precious time and energy.

According to the Journal article, this reversal of relationship priorities appears to be causing problems in many American households, where kids throw tantrums and adults have little time to themselves. Meanwhile the French are ambling along nicely with well-behaved kids, stable marriages, and healthy adult time. This notion is summed up in another key line in the article: "To the French couple, it seemed like the American kids were in charge."

In my short time (two years) as a parent, I can say that I have seen some of this, and my wife and I are probably a little guilty of it at times. But this is where I may get in a little trouble with both my wife and moms at large: in my own experience - which the Journal article seems to support - it appears to be American moms who are piloting the helicopter in the helicopter parenting equation.

Dads are certainly passengers on the helicopter and must share some of the responsibility. But my impression is that dads have bought much less into the overparenting hype, but because our culture is set up to establish and support mothers as the "primary parent," mom's parenting paradigm wins out.

The Tiger Mom phenomenon illustrates this point nicely. "Tiger Mommying" is overparenting to the extreme. But, as we blogged about on this very blog last April, the fatherhood perspective was largely invisible during that debate. Moreover, the Wall Street Journal soon after answered questions about the lack of dads in the discussion, which we also discussed on this blog. The writer of that response, Alan Paul, made this statement, which will get us back to the American vs. French parenting question: "To make a sweeping generalization, moms tend to be more detail oriented, and order driven. Dads often care less about the mess, can live with a bit more chaos and more easily adopt a big picture view."

So, America versus France...

What the American perspective does to dads is that they have to compete for attention from their wives, who are giving most of their time and energy to the kids. This is why one of the riskiest times for divorces is when all the kids have left for college: moms and dad have spent the last 18+ years pouring all of their love, energy, and attention into the kids and forgot how to love each other.

If what this new Journal article says is true, this is not happening as much in France. And that is a good thing for children, moms, and dads.

Tell us: is your parenting more American or French? What are the benefits (and disadvantages) of your approach?

2012 Super Bowl Ads Still Not Ready To Grow Up

2012-02-07T04:36:00.000-05:00

There are two reasons people watch the Super Bowl every year. Mainly, the championship game is the centerpiece for diehard football fans. For those casual watchers of the sport, the expensive and typically entertaining commercials in between happen to be the draw.

Over the years, some companies have pandered to the mostly male audience with images that gratuitously cater to the oversexed nature of our world today. However, some noble attempts were made to steer away from the typical fare offered on Super Bowl Sunday.

Ronald McDonald House Charities offered a moving commercial centered on a family rallying around a young boy who is suffering with leukemia. With images flashing of the boy’s family members all showing support as he goes through therapy in images, the clip ends sweetly with the young man backed with love, as he should be.

Another great commercial was that of perennial tough guy Clint Eastwood and his classic gruff voice talking about America’s resolve in tough times for Chrysler Auto. One of the longer commercials at just over two minutes, the impression left behind is lasting.

A nice change of pace was Kia Optima’s “Dream Car For Real Life” spot in where the mythical sandman comes in to sprinkle dream dust on a sleeping couple. While the figure douses the wife just a dab of the magic powder, an accident has the sandman dumping half a bucket on her husband. The result: the husband’s macho dreams are amped up to ridiculous levels while his wife’s dreams are sweet and simple. A neat twist was at the end; the husband breaks past his dreams to crash his wife’s serene party and whisks her off into the sunset – all while driving the Kia, naturally.

According to Boston ad agency Mullen and their fourth annual Brand Bowl, Go Daddy was the least liked brand shown during the Super Bowl. The Internet domain name provider applied its typical lowbrow antics, employing longtime spokesperson Danica Patrick scantily clad in a version of heaven most likely conjured by the dream of high school aged boys. Once again using sex to sell its product, Go Daddy saw a huge number of negative tweets with replies growing tired of the company’s shtick.

Go Daddy has the dubious distinction of using a word in their company name – “daddy’ – and cheapening it to the point that it nearly derails the power of the title. Real daddies don’t sit around objectifying women at every turn or are consumed by lust. Some daddies are content to save that energy for the woman they love and to share only his best for his children. Instead of “Go Daddy,” perhaps more “Stay daddy” in the mainstream could help eliminate some of the negative connotation that the company applies to the word.

Let’s hope next year that companies like Go Daddy realize fathers are at home watching the game with their families, and perhaps use their platform for something other than cheap visual gags and silly humor.

It Must Be Tough Being A Military Dad

2012-02-03T14:11:00.003-05:00

In my previous job, I traveled around the country quite a bit by airplane. I got a kick out of seeing military personnel returning home to loved ones at some of the international airports I visited, and I loved seeing families and friends hugging and crying with one another after reuniting. I always imagined what a deep feeling of relief it was for families, especially fathers, who were deployed abroad to come back home to loving arms.

This week, a little girl in Utah got the surprise of her life during a show-and-tell in her elementary school class. Five-year-old Baylee was speaking in front of her kindergarten class talking about the things she loves. As her teacher helps her with the presentation, she then points to a photo of her father, which makes Baylee perk up a bit. The teacher then points to the left and her dad walks in with little Baylee leaping into her dad’s arms – so excited, the cute kid loses a shoe!

I defy anyone, no matter how tough they are, to hold back tears of joy after hearing Baylee excitedly wrap her arms around her father Sgt. Adam Page. “How did you ever make it,” said Baylee repeatedly as dad was overcome with emotion. Watching Sgt. Page hold his daughter was a priceless moment that none will ever forget.

Sgt. Page had been deployed to Afghanistan, and has since returned to his native Utah. It will be the first time he’s lived with his family since the birth of his little one. One must wonder, how tough was it on this dad while he was away from his family. I was away from my daughter for just 8 months once for work, and I was so sad without her. I can’t imagine the weight dads who serve in the name of our country have to carry.

Thankfully, there are resources and other helpful things that can assist military fathers while they’re deployed abroad. Video chats, email, letters and even simple phone calls can help ease the pangs caused by the distance. The rewards, if dads and families can be patient and loving, are moments like we saw between Baylee and Adam. It is beyond obvious that as much as he could be, Sgt. Page was a solid fixture in his child’s life.

For military dads soon to be deployed or already serving abroad, NFI offers a handy resource called Deployed Fathers & Families: Guide For Military Personnel. This guide provides fathers with great tips such as managing money, taking care of medical needs, and also covers legal matters as well. Click here to learn more about our offerings for military dads.

And don’t forget there’s just a few days left to nominate a military dad for NFI’s annual Military Fatherhood Award! Click here to nominate a military dad today! Voting ends this Sunday, February 5 at 11:59 PM EST!

Lessons From My Grandfather

2012-02-02T14:36:00.000-05:00

I joined the National Fatherhood Initiative in early December as a recently married man of five months. Coming to work for NFI as a newlywed has given me a pretty unique experience. Before getting married, my wife and I had talked about our hopes for a family and being parents. Working in an environment that affirms and builds up the role of the father, I’ve had time to “think ahead” and prepare for my hopefully growing family.

Hearing and sharing stories in the NFI office of our experiences at home, and also of our fathers, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on my youth and childhood. I had a very happy childhood and am blessed with the parents I have. But there is one thing that I keep to myself mostly—how much I wish I could have known my grandfather better.

I only had the privilege of seeing my grandfather a couple times before he passed away. He was, as I remember, a quiet man. Not serious, but quiet. He had experienced a lot in his life. In hindsight, what I thought was a serious grandfather was more a man, who in seeing his son happy with his children, found peace in reflecting on his own life.

Perhaps he found consolation or healing in seeing his son carry on a tradition. I think he found joy and was proud of my dad for all that he had accomplished. He was a man who knew that it was not the material things that make a man wealthy, but the richness in his love for and from his family. I’m sure my grandpa was proud of my dad.

I owe a lot to my grandfather. Listening to my dad talk about him, I can see that he showed my father how to be a man, how to be a father, and how to love. My grandfather taught my dad everything that my father has passed on to me. Because of my father's example and his daily service to his children, I learned what fatherhood is. My father laid down his wants, desires, needs, and sacrificed his own life for us. I hope I can be the same kind of father to my children as my dad was to my brothers and I.

The most important thing my father taught me was how to love my wife. Yes, like all families, my parents disagree from time to time. But there has never been a doubt about just how much my father loves my mother. I’ve heard it said, "The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." I believe that to be true. My dad showed me how to love my wife by his loving and steady example. And again, I hope I can love my wife, Lacy, as well as my dad has loved my mom.

While I give great thanks to my dad and grandpa, I also am deeply grateful to my mother. Witnessing her gentleness, mercy, and care for my father, I have learned how to be loved. My mother "completed the picture" and witnessed to me how I should accept love from my wife. I saw how happy she made my dad, and she showed me that as a husband, I too one day deserved to be loved in the same fashion.

I am excited for what lies ahead. With the great examples my parents have given me and by God’s will, I feel that I will be ready and prepared to be a father for a growing and loving family.

Fathering For A Lifetime

2012-02-01T19:42:00.002-05:00

Last week, NFI’s Director of Military Program Support Services Tim Red sent out an email to our staff in where he bravely and candidly spoke of a moment shared with his oldest son, Travis. After attending the funeral of his son’s good friend, it gave Tim and Travis a moment to reflect and reconnect the bond between father and son. Inspired by his bravery, I too shared a bit of my own fears and concerns regarding fatherhood with the staff and felt enlightened by Tim’s ability to open up about such a private matter.

When I think of devoted dads like Tim, I always imagine they have all the answers and because of his background, I expected that he handled tough times with flair. With 30 years of military service, I was certain Tim had seen it all. I originally asked Tim if I could share his story on our blog and he was gracious enough to allow me to do so. I called Tim last evening and what was initially meant to be a quick phone call turned into a 30-minute conversation that changed my life.

Tim and I had an honest and open discussion, which allowed me to learn that part of being a father is also realizing your shortcomings and showing vulnerability. To hear from Tim that raising his oldest child had been difficult for him just astounded me. I was listening to this strong man admitting that even after being a dad of 21 years, he’s continuing to learn lessons about fatherhood.

I had to fight back my emotions hearing Tim tell his story of the trials he faced with Travis although I hung on to every word. Tim’s fearlessness inspired me to devote myself to what I do here at NFI, and to also apply the lessons he shared with me in my own life. Being an involved, responsible and committed father became an even greater responsibility to me by way of our chat.

Although tragedy had to happen in order for Tim and Travis to find a new way to reconnect, stories like this are precisely why I’m proud to be a part of the National Fatherhood Initiative family. As I grow as a father and as a man, I can always look back fondly to the chat Tim and I had, realizing that you can never learn it all in one lifetime. Dealing with the ups and downs of fathering can make even the mightiest of us feel stretched thin. However, it’s good to know that we have an entire lifetime to get it right.

Cute Baby Videos And Cruel Comments Don’t Go Well Together

2012-01-31T17:17:00.005-05:00

The Internet, especially the fast moving realm of social media, has given thousands of people a voice they once never had. The Web grants us access into a person’s life by way of keeping tabs on the various social media tools, to homepages, and the ever-present pool of words known as blogs. The voiceless can now be heard or seen without fear of censorship or retribution. In the case of folks leaving comments on blogs and YouTube sites, this could be seen as both a gift and a curse.

Daddy blogs, such as the clever Fatherhood Is, clearly knows how to poke fun at the learning curve of a new dad with comedic flair. The man behind the blog, Adam Brown, is a new dad of twins Greyson and Charlotte. His blog is possibly my favorite of the many daddy blogs around.

One particular funny video Brown placed on his site features his baby girl Charlotte. In the video, Brown makes a razzing noise that frightens little Charlotte, thus causing her eyes to cutely and comically widen. In just a scant two weeks since the video’s release, it has garnered over a million and a half views on YouTube (the clip is definitely a family favorite in my home).

While nothing more than a harmless game of dad being silly with his baby (which some dads do), it appears that the Internet-famous and now-viral clip is subject to mean critics who seem to relish in levying nasty and offensive comments. Using the cover of the keyboard, these individuals have heaped on opinions about Brown’s parenting style and even resorted to calling his baby unattractive.

Brown doesn’t seem bothered by the comments, but was self-aware enough to put up a following post that highlighted some of the mean remarks people made. Sidestepping the negativity, Brown even pondered on his post whether or not Charlotte’s twin brother would be jealous of his sister’s growing fame. Humor is a great shield for one to wield in this world we live in. Learning how to laugh when most would resort to defensive anger diffuses negativity much easier than meeting it head on.

I love a cute baby video just as much as anyone else. I really enjoyed this video of the babies tasting lemons for the first time. However, it pains me to witness people using words to hurt a dad who simply wanted to share the world a precious and cute moment between he and his newborn. Cute baby videos and cruel comments don’t go together and if you can’t say something nice, to borrow from the old adage, try not saying anything at all.

Cecil and Prince Fielder Have Long Road In Rebuilding Their Bond

2012-01-26T14:52:00.002-05:00

While Detroit Tigers fans are no doubt celebrating the signing of All-Star first baseman Prince Fielder, the slugger returns to the place where his father Cecil won a World Series Championship – a father that he’s been at odds with for quite some time over reasons only known to them. Prince Fielder will undoubtedly face dozens of questions regarding the estranged relationship between him and his dad, although the elder Fielder has said the he’s been in brief contact with Prince.

“Well, we're having a few chats. We're doing a lot better than we were,” said Cecil Fielder Tuesday (January 24) on MLB Network Radio. “Time heals all wounds, man. Everybody has to come back together at some point. Number one thing, I'm just happy for him.”

Those words were a far cry from the violent talk from Fielder’s dad from last summer. Cecil told the Yuma Sun that he “wanted to drop a right on him instead of talking” to his son. In what should have been the feel-good story of the upcoming Major League Baseball season, the feud between the Fielders is still a prominent and tense issue.

Cecil Fielder and Prince’s mother Stacy underwent a tough divorce, which some writers say led to the split between father and son. Others have alleged that Cecil spent part of his son’s signing bonus without permission, and was embroiled in battling gambling and property debt issues as well.

Prince Fielder has never publicly addressed the split at length but the married father of two could possibly benefit in rebuilding the connection with the man he joined on the baseball field during spring training in 1994. News alternative Detroit Free Press even reprinted an old 1992 article featuring a story on Cecil Fielder and his baseball prodigy son, where young Prince even said his dad was the best homerun hitter in the game. Cleary at one point, they were inseparable and loving towards one another.

If Cecil’s words are true, perhaps they can reform their bond and give sons like myself and countless others hope. Hope that even those of us who don’t have our fathers in our lives that one day, we can try to rebuild the bonds. As Duk of the Big League Stew said eloquently of the Fielders’ situation in his column: fathers shouldn’t be apart from their sons.

Nagging, the Marriage Killer

2012-01-25T10:15:00.005-05:00

A teaser headline on this morning's Wall Street Journal reads, "Meet The Marriage Killer." As I picked up the paper at the front door of our office building, a co-worker and I started to guess as to what the article would reveal as this "marriage killer." Money? Kids? Sex? I then quipped that if you have two of those and lack one, your marriage is in trouble. We laughed. But we were both wrong. Turns out that the great marriage killer is... nagging!

So, I started reading the article, and the first example it gave was of a wife nagging her husband. Yes, it is true that wives nag more than husbands (read the article here). But I had to laugh again because I probably nag my wife more than she nags me. I think we are in the minority on that one, but the article did get me thinking - what if all of my nagging is really putting a serious drain on our relationship?

I apparently have reason to be concerned. Researchers are now referring to nagging as a "toxic" way of communicating that can cause serious relationship problems. As I reflect on this, I do realize that when I nag my wife about leaving clutter on the kitchen counter, or leaving dresser drawers open, or the various other things that annoy me, she does tend to shut down and feel as if I am focusing too much on things that don't matter.

Again, we are probably in the minority. According to the article (and most of the stories I have heard from friends and family), it is often husbands who feel as though they are being talked down to and harassed about stuff that does not matter.

And while I certainly do more nagging, the one area in which my wife has me beat is with, you guessed it, our son. Something tells me this may be fairly common, as moms tend to be more focused (on average) on the day-to-day care of kids.

She asks me to do this or that for our two-year-old, and if I don't jump out of my seat immediately, she thinks I don't care or am ignoring her. My defense is typically something like, "Does it really matter if I refill his juice cup right now or in 30 seconds during the commercial break in Jeopardy?" After all, I have to continue proving to myself how smart I am by answering as many Double Jeopardy clues as possible (with two witnesses in the room no less!).

The bottom line is that we both have to stop nagging each other because our marriage is too important (to our son especially) to be derailed by a stray paper towel or open sock drawer.

Tell us about the nagging that happens in your marriage. Who nags more, wife or husband? What do each of you nag about? Chores? Kids? And given the above, how do you plan on reducing the amount of nagging taking place? Let us know.

Is Hollywood Helping Or Hurting The Case For Fatherhood?

2012-01-20T15:42:00.004-05:00

I came across an article some days ago in the Los Angeles Times that reported on a rise in Hollywood films that featured parents in situations that led the moms and dads in the film to be stressed or anxious. Featured in the piece was Golden Globe Award-nominated film The Descendants starring Globe Best Actor winner George Clooney. In the film, Clooney plays a dad going through a tough time with a dying wife, betrayal, and attempting to get closer to his two daughters.

The film (which is excellent) takes the viewers through a lot of emotional ups and downs as Clooney exhibits the fear of having to raise his daughters without his spouse by his side. In the family film We Bought A Zoo, Matt Damon plays a widower with two young children struggling to stay close while Damon’s character navigates opening a zoo.

Another movie that was up for a few Golden Globe Awards, Carnage, also featured parents who argued with other parents over how to best deal with their fighting children’s issues. Although the film is billed as a black comedy, the core of the movie centers on how parents all have their own way of dealing with their children. The all-star cast of Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet, John C. Reilly and Christoph Waltz delight in their roles, but the ugly war of words become the centerpiece instead of these adults finding a way to cope with one another.

Parents going through times in film, especially dads, is not a brand new concept although the recent slate of films would suggest this is the case. There is something about watching angst unfold onscreen that captivates and infuriates all at once; there’s always an end to the movie but never to the realities that exist outside of the theater.

As said by Dr. Alexandra Barvi of New York University, “In the past, people parented based on instincts and how they were raised, but now with technology and the ease of transmittable information, we know so much more about parenting. We do so much more thinking about parenting. You can't turn on a morning show without an expert talking about college anxiety, how to keep your kids busier.”

Is Hollywood and television making it so that fathers new and old are overloaded with what can be seen as poor parenting tactics? Is the portrayal of parents in harrowing situations inspiring to dads who want to combat the anxiety that goes along with raising their children? Are fathers and mothers looking for ways to stave off the sometimes bleak imagery of parenthood and offer a reversal of sorts?

A good number of films with these sorts of plot tie-ins end with a happy moment of closure or triumph. There are even several films over the years that tell great stories about devoted dads who go through a lot of turmoil (and eventually joy) such as Big Fish and Finding Nemo. What we should focus on while viewing movies that feature dads and moms under duress is to make sure we’re talking about ways to avoid that struggle in our real lives.

Perhaps then, Hollywood can begin to tell a different story showing the endless possibilities of a blissful union between fathers, mothers, and their children.

Cleveland Indians Player Chris Perez Is Lucky To Have His Dad

2012-01-19T13:00:00.004-05:00

It seems par for the course that fathers seek to bond with their kids – especially boys – playing the age-old game of catch, whether with a football or baseball. There’s something innate about that activity between fathers and sons; perhaps it’s an instinctive reminder for Dad that he once did this with his own dad – or at least wished he had. It’s something I definitely wished I shared with my own dad.

When I read the tale of MLB All-Star pitcher Chris Perez, and how he and his dad Tim bonded over Chris’ inclusion in the big name lineup last year, I confess I felt a tinge of envy. However, I’m glad to see that there are sons who look up to and value their dads even as they trudge along into adulthood and families of their own.

Perez shared with sports website The Bleacher Report on how he gifted his father with his 2011 All-Star ring, making it five sizes larger so that his dad could wear it.

Perez on the trying to surprise his father with the ring:

“Before entering the brunch, they handed out All-Star rings. When I picked mine up, they asked me to try it on. (I already had planned to give the ring to my Dad, so I had told them to make the ring 5 sizes too big for me.) My Dad was right next to me and noticed how big it was on me. I tried to play it off, but he kept making a deal about it.

Flash forward to after the game, my family and I are relaxing back in the hotel, and I pulled out the ring and gave it to him. He was shocked/surprised/happy/speechless. I couldn't think of anyone else that deserved the ring more than him; he's the reason I love the game, and the reason I became an All-Star.”

Chris Perez didn’t enter the game last year at the Midsummer Classic, but it’s a neat story showing that no matter how old you are as a son, you always want to please and gain the respect of your dad. Sometimes it’s tough to show our dads how much we love and adore them as adults, but I know as I speak for myself and other fathers that it never gets redundant to know that your children love you.

Tim Perez summed up his feelings about getting the ring from his son in a quick interview last summer. “I wasn't expecting it. We were in the room, and Chris just said 'I want to give you something,'" Tim Perez said to the Bradenton Herald. "My first reaction was, 'Son this is your ring. And he says 'No, dad, I wouldn't here without you.' I wasn't expecting anything. I was just a dad supporting his son.”

Tim Perez and his amazing humility is the very reason why fatherhood has to return to the forefront of the conversation when talking about combating societal ills. When a father does the right thing for his children, they become adults who respect the value and importance of what it means to be a dad when their time comes to be handed the torch.

Sure, I may pine for a time for my dad and I to have a similar bonding experience and I still have my baseball glove and ball from when I was 12 years old at the ready. Hopefully one day soon, my dad and I will have a moment to share and call our own just like Tim and Chris Perez.

Until then, I can only admire them from afar.

Being A Dad Is Just As Tough As Anything Else

2012-01-13T10:55:00.006-05:00

Greetings, Father Factor readers!

To quote a song “I Know You Got Soul” from legendary 80s rap duo Eric B. & Rakim, “It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you” – but we’re back to regularly updating our blog after the holidays shifted everyone’s schedules around a bit.

Speaking of rap music, have you seen NFI’s nifty new Daily Dad News section? It’s the latest feature on our homepage full of daily news bits about dads, families and related stories. One of the news items posted last week focused on popular Atlanta rapper T.I. and how he balances his career with his family time. During an interview with MTV News, the rapper born Clifford Harris spoke proudly of being a dad but carefully stating that he has to still maintain an edge to his character due to the industry’s he’s in.

“When I go home, that's who I am, what you see on the show. Now, what you're gonna hear through them records is when I hit the streets, when I'm out movin' and groovin' — this is the person that must maintain this personality because it's a cold world out here,” T.I. offered in the interview.

Now I’ll admit that I’ve listened to a bit of his T.I.’s music in my spare time, and a lot of it isn’t family friendly stuff. However, on his cable reality show with his wife, T.I. and Tiny: The Family Hustle, T.I. reveals his softer side as a doting and devoted dad. T.I. and his wife have also given to charity, provided scholarships to the Boys and Girls Club and he even famously talked down a suicidal man from committing the fatal act.

The flip to T.I.'s good and giving side is that he raps in songs about his violent past as a former drug dealer nestled deeply "in the trap" – what some in Atlanta refer to as the open air drug market. Since having found fame, T.I. has been long removed from the trappings of the streets but his music at times serves as the soundtrack for those still in that lifestyle.

T.I.'s jail record and federal gun charges also haunt him, being sent to prison just after performing a star turn in the Hollywood action flick Takers alongside another beleaguered male entertainer Chris Brown. He was well on his way to mainstream stardom and chose to "hug the block" (as the kids say) instead of focusing on his budding acting career and music. T.I. has injected positive messages in some of his work, no less energetic and infectious as his normal fare.

The question is, which is really tougher? Is it tougher to still rap about guns and what you'll do to someone if they cross you in the streets? Or, is it tougher to rap about being a devoted husband and father, writing a few lines about how you went to see your sons play Pee Wee football? Is it tougher to rap about how you sold drugs or would it be tougher to drop a few verses about how you love coming home to your wife?

I don't happen to think T.I.'s a bad person, but I do think he's caught up in the hype of being tough when in actuality, he'd be seen as a greater figure if he promoted his family life more. Perhaps his television show is his pathway to doing so, but a man of T.I.'s responsibility and fame would appear tougher to me if he paused to "hit the streets" less often and revealed that there's nothing soft about being a father who loves the family life.

Guest post: 3 Easy Tips for Staying Healthy in 2012

2012-01-05T16:46:00.006-05:00

This is a guest post from Ashley Kemper, a member of Long Island Heart Associates, in partnership with the Mount Sinai Medical Center. LIHA is a cardiology practice in Long Island, New York that has been keeping its community heart-healthy since 1994. Ashley provides some great tips on how dads can stay healthy in the New Year. As we like to say at NFI, to be a good dad, you have to be alive... and more importantly, the health habits you adopt set an example that your kids will follow!

Getting healthy is one of the most common New Year’s Resolutions. For many dads, this can be a challenge each year. As dads grow older, the motivation and ability to stay physically fit becomes more difficult, but the importance of maintaining health remains. Here are some tips to helping dads stay healthy in 2012:

Plenty of exercise: Whether your form of exercising is running, biking, or sports, some type of cardiovascular activity more than once a week is strongly encouraged. Exercising as a family such as a friendly game of football or skiing are great for improving fitness. Make sure you consult a heart doctor before engaging in any strenuous physical activity.

Rest and sleep: Exhaustion and lack of sleep can lead to poor health. As dads and most adults age, adequate rest becomes vital to recharging and having a healthy heart. A Long Island sleep study showed that losing sleep can come from stress, working long hours, or sleep apnea. Dads need to give themselves time to sleep and allow their body to recover for healthy living.

Less drinking: It’s not uncommon to have a few drinks during the week with coworkers and friends. However, studies have shown that binge drinking doubles the risk of heart disease. The limit of alcohol consumption for people varies, so it is important to drink in moderation while maintaining a healthy balance of eating and exercising.

Staying healthy can be a challenge for dads, but these steps should be taken to enjoy a positive lifestyle.

Even The Best Heroes Have Flaws

2012-01-04T12:43:00.005-05:00

I’ve been trying to avoid cliché topics while blogging about fatherhood: easy, male-oriented things like sports, cars, and other supposed notions of manhood. However, it’s difficult to avoid, especially with the 2012 NFL Playoffs set to go underway next week. I’ll be the first to tell you, I am not a huge football fan these days. The years of being a Washington ‘Skins fan have begun to take their toll on my enthusiasm for the game.

To seriously date myself, over twenty-two years ago in 1989, a classic video game was born. To older gamers like myself, Tecmo Bowl – a clunky simulation of NFL football – was one of those iconic, male-bonding games that you just had to have if you owned a Nintendo Entertainment System. In high school, I can tell you that my studies suffered as result of playing this game to the point of aching thumbs and sleepless nights.

Although I wasn’t a Chicago Bears fan, I played them in the video game because I admired late Hall Of Fame running back Walter “Sweetness” Payton and I got a chance to meet him in Washington, D.C. during an event for teens and sports in 1990. He was still a vision of health, much stronger looking in person than on television and I didn’t get to say much to him. But I walked away thinking that I may have met the greatest running back of my time.

Payton played all 13 of his NFL seasons with the Bears, entering the Hall in 1993 after retiring in 1988. He unfortunately passed in 1999 at age 45 as a result of rare liver disease that made the muscle-bound Payton wither away. In the years gone by since his passing, books and articles have been written about Sweetness, but a story I recently came across nearly crushed my image of him.

Cleveland publication The Plain Dealer ran a piece last week focusing on an upcoming biography from writer Jeff Pearlman which digs deeper into Payton’s life – revealing dark secrets that could mar the legacy of the Bears legend. Infidelity, a child out of wedlock (that he reportedly didn’t acknowledge), drug addiction and a hidden affinity for fast food are all laid out for fans to read. I didn’t want to leap to judgment, but I couldn’t ignore what I read.

Pearlman, a former Sports Illustrated writer, was an old-school journalist who undoubtedly fact-checked with the best of them. Clearly he’s not accepting vague accounts from the reported 678 interviews he conducted to complete his book. I trust the writer to have interviewed close friends of the player and write the truth. The truth, it appears, was less than glossy – but does it take away from the fact that Payton did leave behind some “sweetness” along with his legacy?

In a series of interviews last fall, Connie, Payton’s widow, disputed Pearlman’s claims. She didn’t deny that her husband was troubled, but she also didn’t throw her husband’s name into the gutter, nor confirm any of Pearlman’s other claims. Mrs. Payton is also set to release her own memoir.

On the positive side, Walter and his wife started a foundation, which serves underprivileged children, and there is also a cancer research fund in Payton’s name. His oldest child, Jarrett, assisted with running The Walter and Connie Payton Foundation in the past.

The truth is, none of us will know what truly happened during Payton’s life except for the parties involved – which is immediately rendered one-sided because Payton isn’t here to defend himself. Until then, I’ll continue to think of Sweetness as one of the best ever to play the game and remember what his own son said during Payton’s Fame induction, “I am sure my sister will endorse this statement, we have a super dad.”

Payton was not only a role model for many in his sports position, but as a husband and father he was a role model at home. That’s why NFI places such an importance on helping men understand the value - and difficulties of - entering the union of marriage. Men considering marriage, or those organizations working with young men, may want to consider NFI’s Why Knot? program, a perfect place for men to start before making the vital leap into matrimony. Learn more at www.fatherhood.org/why-knot.

Fatherhood No ‘Twilight Zone’ For Rod Serling

2011-12-30T17:11:00.009-05:00

One of the duties of my position as Web Editor at NFI is to scour the Internet looking for interesting stories and news bits to place on our homepage and blog. As part of the Communications team, I’m often swimming in words and ideas – a chief joy of being a writer in my opinion. In my discovery, I found yet another reason to connect with the work I do here.

I came across an article from Salon.com featuring an excerpt of an upcoming memoir from writer Anne Serling, daughter of famed The Twilight Zone creator Rod Serling. Her book, Another Dimension: Growing Up With The Man Behind The Twilight Zone, serves not only as a memoir, but also as a way for Ms. Serling to resolve the grief behind losing her father at the age of 50 in 1975; Ms. Serling was just around 20 at the time.

In the excerpt, Ms. Serling takes care to detail her pain regarding her father’s death after open-heart surgery and how his famous show helped connect her to the man she loved, a television program she largely avoided because of his passing.

“Later that summer, a little more resilient, I began to watch my father’s “Twilight Zones,” doing this more to see him than the actual show. I randomly selected one called “In Praise of Pip.” The episode was filmed at the Pacific Ocean Park, the same amusement park on the Santa Monica Pier that my dad took my sister and me to.

What was so striking, so personal and so moving about this particular story was some of the dialogue. In this episode, Jack Klugman says to his son, “Who’s your best buddy, Pip?”
“You are, Pop.”

Just like the routine my dad and I did.”

I grew up watching The Twilight Zone, always amazed at how this show managed to expand my imagination while injecting some relatable themes to boot. I have a few favorite episodes, some I still wish I could watch on my old VHS player: “A Nightmare At 20,000 Feet,” “A Short Drink From A Certain Fountain,” and the classic “To Serve Man” episode. I just read that cable station SyFy will be continuing its New Year's Eve tradition of running a Twilight Zone marathon, so there’s no guesswork on where I’ll be parked all weekend.

Ms. Serling’s words about her dad touched me deeply and my research on her father revealed that he was not a simple man. But what stood out, Mr. Serling’s own daughter wasn't impressed with her dad’s fame and accomplishments (he was a decorated serviceman and a part-time parachute tester). What she loved about her father was that he was much more to her than a masterful weaver of tales. Ms. Serling referred to her father as a playmate and confidant – something all fathers should aspire to be, even when they’re off creating worlds of wonder elsewhere.

This will be my final blog post of 2011, so to all Father Factor readers, I wish you all a happy 2012, and stay tuned as we have a lot of great stories and blogs in store for the coming year.

A Dickensian 2011

2011-12-30T11:00:00.008-05:00

To paraphrase Charles Dickens, 2011 was the best of times and the worst of times for National Fatherhood Initiative. Without getting too melodramatic on you, we, like just about every other nonprofit in the country, struggled under the very tough economy.

But the good news (the best of times) is that it did not stop us from having an enormous impact throughout the year. Here are a few examples of how we made a difference in the lives of fathers and their families:

We have now trained over 11,500 practitioners from over 5,300 organizations on how to deliver NFI's fatherhood programming into their communities. This means there are thousands more community-based organizations in the U.S. that are providing education, encouragement, and support to fathers.
Through the success of our social media tools alone (Facebook, Twitter, and this blog), we are now reaching 25,000 more fathers directly with information to encourage and inspire them in their fathering journeys.
We have now distributed nearly 6 million fatherhood skill-building resources to fathers and the organizations that support them.

I think this quote by "Nathan" on Twitter sums it up best: "I just joined thefatherfactor's email list! Get inspired and motivated to stay the course as a great dad to your kids! Thanks NFI, I'm the father of an 8-month-old boy, and you guys have been a great source of inspiration and knowledge."

Thanks, Nathan. And thanks to everyone else who has supported us this year. As a nonprofit organization, we rely on the "kindness of strangers" such as yourselves to keep us moving ahead.

We would be very grateful if you could make a fully tax-deductible year-end gift to NFI: you only have two days left in the year (unless you plan on committing tax fraud, which we officially do not recommend). Anyway, your gift will really make a difference. Don't believe me? Click here to see why.

Happy New Year! We'll see you in 2012!

Dwyane Wade: All-Star Guard, All-Star Dad

2011-12-28T13:58:00.004-05:00

Earlier this month, ABC News profiled Miami Heat star basketball player Dwyane Wade before the start of the NBA season. This time however, the high-flying Chicago native wasn’t showcasing his crafty moves on the court. Instead, Wade’s dedication to fatherhood was the centerpiece of the story.

While fans across the globe gleefully counted down the days leading up to the Christmas Day start of the NBA season as a gift, Dwyane Wade kept true to his Twitter bio line which I absolutely love: “I'm a father first and everything else after that” – and D-Wade’s devotion was hard to ignore in the ABC News clip.

What stood out to me was Wade’s unflinching pride about being a father, even under the tough circumstances that led him to becoming a single dad. Marrying his high school sweetheart Siohvaughn, the couple had two sons together, Zaire and Zion. After a bitter and very public divorce, Wade won sole custody of his boys back in March of this year. Fighting hard to remain in his children’s life, Wade proved that his sons were a top priority.

Along with Zaire and Zion, Wade’s nephew also lives with the hoops star full time. The ABC clip showed D-Wade and his family bonding via horseplay, but there are some ground rules and a focus on schoolwork that is also enforced with care. And while Wade’s hefty NBA contract is often fodder for discussion, he is clear in letting folks know that he’s much more than a sports millionaire. “It is not about the money I have or don't have," shared Wade. "It is about the time I am willing to sit down across the table from my kids and if they don't get something right, helping them get it right.”

Through various community programs and his own Wade’s World Foundation non-profit group, D-Wade takes time out to assist other fathers wishing to bridge the gap between themselves and their children. Another highlight from the news segment was that of Wade and his ex-wife’s willingness to co-parent, despite the media fallout from their divorce proceedings and emphasizing that his sons still needed their mother.

D-Wade is aggressive, brash and downright intense on the court, but away from the game the 29-year old gives off a serene calm – especially when talking about his dad duties with glowing pride. Although he can employ a dizzying catalog of spin moves and perform fearless drives to the basket, Dwyane Wade already hit the game-winning shot as far as fatherhood goes.

Fathers and Testosterone: Lowered Levels Not So Bad After All

2011-12-21T18:11:00.005-05:00

An interesting video report appeared on ABC News’ site the other day regarding men who become new dads, stating that the responsibilities that go along with the job caused lowered testosterone levels in men. Earlier this year, NFI’s Vincent DiCaro wrote a blog post in response to a New York Times piece regarding the very research that led to this discovery. Vince’s blog highlighted key points that affirmed why this hormonal development may in fact aid fathers in their parental duties.

ABC’s report follows the same angle in showing that dads who dote on their children have lowered testosterone levels but state that science supports this being good for the family unit. In generations past, men were often cast as pillaging nomads intent on exacting their aggressive will upon women and challenging other men in silly egotistical contests. Rare was it that fathers were shown to be in the house with their children, cooing to them or caring for their progeny.

Emmy-winning London-based ABC News correspondent Nick Watt led the latest report, injecting himself into the story as a father of two small boys himself. Watt playfully jabbed at himself for having lowered hormone levels, with various shots of the reporter playing lovingly with his boy. Harvard professor Peter Ellison, also quoted in the Times piece, reacted to Watt’s assertion that his “modern day” dad duties were making him less of a man. Ellison refuted the thought, simply saying that it’s an incorrect way to look at this startling phenomenon.

The action then cuts to Watt profiling a local rugby team, one of the most brutal sports on the planet. Highlighting a star player and coach who were both dads, Watt reported that their testosterone levels, while lowered after fatherhood, spiked back to normal while engaged in their contests. Watt also mentioned aptly that human parenting is easier when mom and dad are both involved. Watt was also candid in sharing that his own father was not as caring as he is with his sons, noting that dads in the 70s modeled themselves into alpha-male caricatures instead of involved parents.

Watt closed out his report mentioning his wife just had a second baby and that with two small children, he joked that his testosterone levels were in the “basement”. Watt ended the segment with two really awesome quotes I’d like to share with the Factor Father readers.

“This is, in fact, more manly than leaving wife and kids at home to go skydiving and skirt chasing,” said Watt while being shown spinning his eldest son around. Watt ended the clip by saying, “I’m at home in the nest, as nature says I should be.”

Amen to that, Mr. Watt.

Fatherhood By the Numbers

2011-12-19T13:38:00.015-05:00

Greetings, Father Factor readers! My name is D.L. Chandler, a recent addition to the National Fatherhood Initiative staff in the capacity of Web Editor. I joined NFI officially on December 5, and it has been a wonderful experience so far. Everyone on the staff is not only committed to our core mission of increasing the viability and visibility of involved and responsible dads, but it’s such an inviting environment as well.

Originally, I wanted my inaugural blog posting to be a resonating piece that highlighted my joy in being a part of the NFI mission and how I intend to assist in increasing the online reach of our important work. However, I was taken off that that path this weekend after my required reading in joining the staff led me to figures that highlighted the very issues father absence causes – and all the while, my own fatherless childhood memories were being triggered.

24 million children in America, one out of three nationally, are residing in biological father-absent homes. Children who grow up without a father in the home are 54 percent more likely to be poorer than their dads. Teens are at a 30 percent higher risk to abuse drugs and alcohol when dad isn’t present. A study of minority youth ages 10-14 showed that contact with their biological fathers decreased their risk for delinquency, even when dad didn’t live in the home.

As I continued reading the sixth edition of NFI’s Father Facts reference manual, I began to recognize how the numbers and facts related to my own life. After my parents split in the late 70s, I was without the man I admired. I can say with certainty that when my father left the home, my mother, my then-infant brother, and I spiraled into poverty – even becoming homeless for a spell. My father went on to earn a high profile law enforcement position and found other successes while my mother barely kept our lights on.

Growing up as a teen without guidance from dad, I went to the streets to find solace. I dabbled in drugs and drinking and petty crimes – all attempts to feel like I belonged to something. The truth was simple: I wanted my dad to come rescue me. I wanted him to eliminate the pain by simply showing up. I hoped that my behavior would inspire him to pay some attention to me. Sadly, it never worked. I did have a man in my life that fulfilled the father role I sorely needed – my grandfather. Without his firm talks and loving guidance, I would have been lost to crime or worse.

In my further reading of NFI’s Pop’s Culture fathering attitudes survey, I learned that ninety-one percent of the respondents agreed that father absence is a national crisis. I know firsthand that father absence has had a detrimental impact on my own life. The question remains then is how do we make father absence a larger conversation for dads across the board.

If you need any motivation to embrace the importance of eliminating father absence, just look at the numbers. The data alone suggests that something must be done to bridge the gap between fathers and their children. But for me, I’m solely motivated by my own past and I feel encouraged that together we can turn the numbers around in favor of dads being presently involved with their children.

Building Together with LEGO

2011-12-14T09:37:00.004-05:00

If you haven’t seen them yet, you have to watch LEGO’s most recent TV commercials. They really sell the father-son connections that can be made through “building together" with LEGO products.

For me, these commercials strike several chords! First, I have always been a huge Star Wars fan (although the prequels have soured things a bit… or a lot…). Second, I loved playing with LEGOs when I was a kid.

And finally, I am a dad now, and my son is just starting to reach the age (he is 23 months old) where he is interested in LEGOs. My parents got him the Duplo LEGOs, which are larger than regular LEGOs so that younger kids (and less dextrous fingers!) can play with them.

My son -- Little Vinny as we call him -- calls his Duplos his “bocks;” he can’t quite get the "L" sound right, but he is close enough. He often walks up to me holding out his “bocks,” and we work together to piece a few of them together. He will then carry our little creation around the house with him for hours.

We haven’t actually built any recognizable objects yet, but we are building something much more important (and I think this is LEGO's point) – we are building a bond with each other that will be stronger than any physical structure we will come up with.

But don’t get me wrong – I am looking forward to the day when we get the Star Wars LEGO sets and build an awesome TIE Fighter or Death Star together. Then, we will rule the galaxy as father and son! (only Star Wars fans will get that reference)

If you have any great LEGO stories, share them with us here or on our Facebook page; photos of what you built together would be even better! In the meantime, go "build together" with your kids!

Multitasking: Good or Bad for Busy Dads and Families?

2011-12-13T08:15:00.004-05:00

This is a post by Chris Brown, NFI's Executive Vice President.

We’ve known for years now that the “housework divide” between dads and moms has decreased with dads doing more of the workload than ever. This development is good news because NFI’s landmark national study on mothers’ attitudes about fathers and fathering called Mama Says found that moms want dads to help out more around the house. But what do we know about the impact of dads doing more in this world of dual-income families who always seem to be multitasking and on the go?

While this closing of gap seems on the surface to be a great development that should have a positive impact on dads, moms, and kids, a recent study reported in the L.A. Times suggests that this new picture of the dual-income American family isn’t quite as rosy as the data suggest. This two-year study examined 500 working mom-dad families from 8 urban and suburban communities. Researchers found that dads and moms did an equal amount of paid and unpaid work but that moms did more multitasking at home than did dads. Moreover, moms experienced more stress than dads about their perceived lack of attention to their families this multitasking requires. Dads, in fact, received a psychological boost from their ability to handle home and work tasks (super dad) while moms felt guilty about the divided attention this kind of multitasking requires.

What should we make of this data, and how should dads and moms respond in these families? A closer look at the study suggests that moms and dads should multitask together (e.g. wash dishes, do the laundry, take the kids to the grocery store). Dads and moms tended to gravitate to different activities with their kids—a sort of divide and conquer strategy. Dads engaged in more focused, fun, interactive activities with their children while moms focused on more routine childcare tasks and doing more of them at the same time. But when moms and dads worked together around the house it reduced the stress for both parents. It seems that dads should take a step back and ask what more they can do around the home together with moms, right? The article suggests as much, but I’m convinced the problem can't be resolved simply by dads and moms doing more work at home together, although that would certainly help.

I’m convinced that working moms and dads need to reduce multitasking. A recent spate of research suggests that multitasking isn’t all its cracked up to be. We’ve come to believe that multitasking makes us more effective when, in fact, it makes us less effective. It divides and conquers families. We’re much more effective and less stressed when we focus on doing one task at a time and doing it well whether at work or at home. Dads and moms can’t be as present and engaged with their kids and with each other when they multitask. Dads must ask not what more they can do, but what less can they and mom can do individually, together, and with their children.

Dads Playbook Podcast with NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell. Week 8: Having a great marriage

2011-12-12T10:46:00.003-05:00

Welcome to the eighth installment of our 10-week podcast series, "Dads Playbook, featuring NFL quarterback Mark Brunell." 

We know from research that children do best, on average, when they grow up with two, married parents. We also know that, on average, children with married parents have closer relationships with both their mothers and fathers than children whose parents are not married. In other words, the institution of marriage is pivotal in helping both moms and dads give their children what they need.

Let's hear what Mark has to say about how his marriage has helped him be the best dad he can be for this kids.

Click here to download the podcast on Mark’s game plan for being an All-Star Dad when it comes to making the most of your marriage.

The tragedy of the Virginia Tech shooting: five children left fatherless

2011-12-09T09:23:00.011-05:00

Heartache and unanswered questions abound after yesterday's on-campus shootings at Virginia Tech. A close friend of mine was directly affected by the shooting that killed 33 in 2007; yesterday's incidents awoke painful memories of that tragedy for all connected to the Virginia Tech community. The campus activated security measures implemented after the 2007 massacre and went into lock-down for several hours after a police officer was shot and killed by a gunman, who later took his own life.

Little is known about the shooter at this time, except that he was not a student of Virginia Tech. However, we do know several things about the police officer who was killed. Most notably, he was a dad and husband. Deriek Crouse was a father and stepfather to five children.

Law enforcement officials will eventually find answers to many of the questions surrounding yesterday's shooting. Why would someone violently interrupt a routine traffic stop that he was not involved in? What connection, if any, did the gunman have to the police officer? As the investigations continue, activity on Virginia Tech's campus will quickly resume it's normal pace as students get ready to take finals and go home for the holidays.

Life, however, will never return to normal for Deriek Crouse's wife and children, and while answers may provide some sense of closure for his family, the pain will never go away. Our hearts go out to the Crouse family, especially the five children who woke up today without their dad. The death of anyone is always a tragedy; that tragedy is magnified many times when it leaves fatherless children.

Dads Playbook Podcast with NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell. Week 7: Thriving through the holidays

2011-12-05T12:02:00.003-05:00

Welcome to the seventh installment of our 10-week podcast series, "Dads Playbook featuring NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell." 

We are in the midst of the holiday season, and stress levels may be beginning to rise. But we don't just want you to survive the holidays - we want you to thrive! Let's hear what Mark has to say about making the most of the holiday season.

Click here to download the podcast on Mark’s game plan for being an All-Star Dad when it comes to thriving through the holiday season.

Dad Bought a Zoo

2011-12-02T09:43:00.005-05:00

On December 23, a fantastic family film starring Matt Damon will be released. The movie, We Bought a Zoo, tells the story of a widowed father working to rebuild his family's life. As the title suggests, he actually does buy a house that sits on the property of a zoo, and lots of magical fatherhood moments ensue...

NFI has partnered with 20th Century Fox to get the word out about this film and its great fatherhood themes. Throughout the month of December, we will be sharing practical and inspiring fatherhood advice inspired by the movie.

The first Dad Email we sent deals with a key line that Matt Damon's character, Benjamin Mee, says in the film: "All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and I promise you, something great will come of it." We have 5 tips help you instill a sense of courage and adventure in your kids.

Sign up for our Dad Email to get new tips each week on topics like dealing with grief, appreciating animals and nature, and more (all of which will be housed on our We Bought a Zoo landing page).

For now, check out the film's trailer, and get your family ready for the December 23 release!

Tune into NBC Family Movie Night this Friday

2011-12-01T15:48:00.005-05:00

If you're looking for a fun, family-friendly activity for this weekend, we recommend tuning into NBC for Family Movie Night at 8pm ET / 7 CT and enjoying Game of Your Life, a great movie for all ages with some value "fatherhood" moments.

Launched in April 2010, Family Movie Night is NBC's effort, in partnership with Walmart and P&G, to provide families a cost-efficient entertainment opportunity that enables them to reconnect in a fun and engaging way. Additionally, during this block of time, NBC ensures that all advertising is kid-appropriate - something all parents will appreciate!

Tomorrow night's Family Movie Night features Game of Your Life, a thoughtful movie which highlights a series of character choices freshman Zach Taylor must make that affect people around him. NBC has provided a discussion guide to help parents initiate meaningful conversations with their kids about the themes of the movie, which include loyalty, teamwork, and responsibility. Click here to get the discussion guide.

Watch the trailer for Game of Your Life.

At National Fatherhood Initiative, we applaud NBC's efforts to enable families to spend time together in meaningful ways. If you, like us, sometimes feel frustrated by the lack of quality, kid-friendly TV and movie options, we think you'll find NBC's Family Movie Night to be a breath of fresh air.

We encourage you to make Family Movie Night part of your family's weekend this Friday! Pop some popcorn and get the kids together at 8pm ET tomorrow!

The Thankful Campaign: A T-I-M-E to Be Thankful

2011-11-28T09:40:00.002-05:00

This Thanksgiving, I had a few conversations that made me especially thankful.

During a car ride to my church’s Thanksgiving eve service, my 26 year-old son, Justin, told me that he knew that sometimes it must be especially challenging to keep motivated doing the work that I do. But, he offered that he wanted to encourage me to keep doing it. He said that I have touched so many through my time at NFI. He also said that it really matters that I have been a “father-figure” for several of his friends. And, interestingly, it really meant a lot to him that I attended nearly all of his football games, from Pop Warner through college. He said, “Dad, you are laying up treasure in heaven…”

Then, as we were cleaning up from Thanksgiving dinner, my 29 year-old son, Jamin, told me that so many of his many friends tell him that they don’t really “know” their parents. He offered that their parents spent so much time working to give his friends material things that they failed to give them the most important thing of all…their time. He said, “Dad, you struck the right balance…”

Kids do say the darndest things.

Ironically, my sons’ comments could not have been better timed. You see, I turned 50 years old in October and, frankly, I have been reflecting quite a bit about the choices that I have made in my life, especially when it dawned on me that I likely have more yesterdays than tomorrows. I have often wondered if I have invested my life wisely so far. Social change, like parenting, is hard work that requires steadfastness.

Alas, one can grow weary of doing good, no matter the rightness of the cause. So, it was good to hear this type of affirmation from my sons. Their words were a tremendous encouragement to me and I am hopeful that they will serve as a motivation for other dads, especially those with young children, who read this.

As I am fond of saying, kids spell love “T-I-M-E.” And I know that being a dad, at times, can seem like a thankless job. But if you hang in there and choose to be a father who provides, nurtures and guides, there is a wonderful “treasure” that awaits you.

And for this, like me, you will be thankful.

The Thankful Campaign: Three "Others-First" Values in a "Me-First" World

2011-11-23T11:06:00.004-05:00

This is a post by Evelyn Hines, NFI's Executive Assistant for Training and Program Support. Evelyn and her husband of 26 years live in Pittsburgh and have three children. She shares her thoughts today as part of NFI's The Thankful Campaign.

As this holiday season approaches, I want to share what we have planted in our children in order to teach them to be thankful for everything. Although we live in a "me-first" society, it is important to step back and put others first.

Family
We cannot choose our parents. We have taught our children to be thankful to have parents, for many of their friends come from single-parent homes. We cannot choose our children through birth, but as parents we are blessed to be given just the right ones for our family. The perfect match begins in the womb.

An Obligation to Strangers
With the economic condition steadily falling, many folks cannot make it financially. One does not necessarily need money to uplift a stranger’s countenance. We are thankful to share time, a smile, and kind words with someone who will not discuss their empty heart and pauper’s pockets. Furthermore, there is nothing more valuable than visiting people in the hospital during the holiday. That is the last place they want to be.

Give Until It Never Hurts
Throughout these upcoming holidays of having delicious food and expensive gifts, we remember to share with others that may not be as fortunate. It truly is more blessed to give than receive.

When your father is the milkman

2011-11-22T09:17:00.005-05:00

The 11/21/11 issue of Time magazine did its "10 Questions" feature with Sting.

In it, Sting reveals that the first time his father ever complimented him was when he was on his deathbed. How could this happen? How could a father never compliment his son, especially one as "successful" as Sting?

I think part of the answer may have been revealed in the rest of Sting's answer. He says:

"My dad and I had the same hands. I hadn't really noticed that until he was on his deathbed, and I mentioned it. And he said, 'You used your hands better than I did.' My dad was a milkman. And I realized that was probably the first compliment he'd ever paid me, and that was kind of devastating."

Maybe I am wrong, but what I read into this is that these were two people who had mutual contempt for each other's professions, and it likely damaged their relationship.

Sting's dad was a working class guy - a milkman. Is it possible that he was jealous of his son's success doing something as "frivolous" as pop music while he worked hard every day for a modest wage? Why else would he never compliment his famous son?

And is it also possible that Sting had contempt for his "working stiff" dad who didn't use his hands right? And could this contempt have shown?

If my speculation is correct, they were both wrong. Sting should have respected his father for working to support his family. And think of all the families who had milk every day because of what Sting's dad did. And Sting's dad should have respected his son for using his remarkable talent to entertain the world. Every person has value, and each person is given gifts to be used to help others. While Sting and his dad had very different gifts, both of their contributions should have been valued, especially by each other.

Instead, we end up with a "devastated" son whose father paid him only one compliment. The lesson: find the value in the unique gifts your children have, as inconsequential as they may seem on the surface, and compliment them often. You never know when your time will come.

Dads Playbook Podcast with NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell. Week 6: Getting fit2father

2011-11-21T10:21:00.003-05:00

Welcome to the sixth installment of our 10-week podcast series, "Dads Playbook featuring NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell." 

Who better to learn about fitness from than an NFL quarterback!? We always say here at NFI (somewhat tongue in cheek) that you can't be an involved father if you are not alive. That is why it is so important for dads to get and stay fit and to help their children do the same. We launched a campaign called fit2father to help dads with this very idea. Let's hear what Mark has to say about fitness.

Click here to download the podcast on Mark’s game plan for being an All-Star Dad when it comes to fitness.

The Thankful Campaign: Guest Post: No Time to Mow the Lawn

2011-11-18T09:15:00.007-05:00

This is a guest post from Jeff Allanach, a newspaper editor in Maryland. Jeff is a married father of two children, and writes about fatherhood in his weekly column. You can follow Jeff on his Facebook page, Adventures in Fatherhood. Jeff contributes to The Father Factor today as part of The Thankful Campaign.

I stop the car on the driveway after a long day of work, and wait for the garage door to open. Tall grass stares at me from my front yard, and weeds sprout up around the bushes as though they were taunting my homeowners’ association. Both probably break whatever rules I agreed to live by when we bought the house, but I shrug. It just means a longer to-do list on Saturday, or maybe Sunday if the former gets away from me, which it usually does. Either way, I won’t find time today. I might not even find time this weekend.

As the garage door opens, the light shines dimly on jigsaw that still needs its blade replaced a year after it broke. It just means one more thing to buy on my next trip to the hardware store, but then again, I’ve made many similar trips since the blade broke and it still needs replaced. Maybe someday, but it’s not today. It might not even be this weekend.

I walk through the garage door, pass the cluttered living room and into the study only to place my laptop on the chair. My desk has no room for a computer between the stacks of magazines, assorted boxes, and other stacks of paper I’ve yet to sort through. It’s just one more chore to do, but I won’t do it today. I probably won’t even do it this weekend.

A novel that I need to revise sits behind the screen of my desktop computer, the one that has the beginnings of at least three other novels and assorted story ideas buried in its memory chips. I long to finish writing all those stories, but I won’t do it today. I probably won’t even finish them this weekend.

It’s never today, and it’s never this weekend, at least not in the 10 years since I became a dad. And for that I am thankful.

The grass is long because I’d rather spend my Saturday mornings this season watching my children, Celeste and Gavin, play in their basketball games. They look for me on the sidelines, and would notice if I wasn’t there. Grass doesn’t care if I cut it or not.

Weeds are sprouting up around the bushes because Gavin usually wants me to spend Saturday afternoons teaching him to ride a bike, or Celeste wants me to take her to the park, or it’s the only time I can take them to the pumpkin patch. Weeds don’t care if I pull them or not.

I can’t run up to the hardware store to buy a jigsaw blade on Sundays because of church in the morning, and the park or the library, or both, in the afternoon. The saw doesn’t mind its missing blade, and I probably couldn’t find the time to make sawdust anyway.

And I can’t find the time to finish writing my novels because it means time alone at the computer, and time alone at the computer means less time with my children. The novels might never sell anyway, so why spend so much time crafting stories people may never read?

So this Thanksgiving season, I will give thanks for tall grass, sprouting weeds, a broken jigsaw, and unwritten stories. If I didn’t have those things in my life, I would have less time with my children.

Penn State Taking Positive Action on Child Sexual Abuse

2011-11-17T09:12:00.003-05:00

On Tuesday, Roland wrote this post on the Penn State sex abuse scandal. In it, he asked what Penn State will do to address the sexual abuse of boys on their campus and elsewhere.

We are glad to report that Penn State is taking some early action. Tonight, they are hosting a live, call-in radio program to address child sexual abuse.

We applaud Penn State for taking this action. As they say in the announcement, the sexual abuse of children is underreported and more needs to be done about it.

However, a word of caution about the approach that Penn State appears to be taking. Let's be clear that these were boys who were being abused, not "children" generically. And, as Roland mentioned in his blog post, there are several special circumstances surrounding the abuse of boys (it is even more underreported and understudied than the abuse of girls, and there appear to be more complex and damaging consequences for abused boys than for abused girls).

When conversations about sexual abuse start to drift into the territory of "children," they inevitably refocus on girls and women. Indeed, notice that the experts who will be on hand to field calls from parents are from the Centre County Women’s Resource Center (not children's, let alone boys, resource center).

Again, we are not trying to minimize the severity of the abuse of anyone: woman, man, boy, or girl. But we are trying to keep this conversation focused on boys, the future fathers of our children, who often have no voice.

So, while Penn State is off to a good start with this radio program, we hope that future efforts will be more focused on what actually happened on their campus - the systematic rape and abuse of boys, an underserved group that needs more help than they are currently getting.

Guest Post: Thanksgiving Thoughts (and a recipe!) from Chef Madison

2011-11-16T09:24:00.008-05:00

This is a guest post by Madison Cowan, a chef, author, restaurateur, husband, and hands-on dad to his daughter. In 2010, Madison become the first ever Chopped Grand Champion on Food Network. Visit Madison's website at www.madisoncowan.com. Madison is regular guest contributor to The Father Factor and he shares this post and one of his delicious recipes as part of The Thankful Campaign.

I constantly give thought over to what I’m most thankful for, which may suggest I have massive amounts of time on my hands. To say the least I am quite grateful for many things in my life, most notably time spent round the supper table with family and friends. This time-honoured tradition seems a bit of a lost art nowadays, with working households and the continual reliance on convenience. During my days on the streets, thoughts of proper and ample food to eat, along with daily survival, was a definite source of motivation. Simply sharing a meal not only promotes gratitude but encourages a sense of community as well. Moreover, while it’s fashionable to engage in the spirit of charity with others less fortunate during the holiday season, it is imperative to be mindful throughout the year.

Whilst commemorating this Thanksgiving, I remain cognizant of numerous ways and opportunities to give. Enjoy the following recipe for an easy alternative to traditional sweet potato pie and let’s all keep in perspective the true expression of gratitude.

“Who does not thank for little, will not thank for much” ~ Red Cloud

Sweet potato panna cotta & orange caramel sauce

For the panna cotta:
Sweet potato 1 medium, alternatively use 1 cup Libby’s pure pumpkin & ¼ tsp each ground cloves & ginger
Gelatine 3 sheets or 1 tbsp powdered
Half & half 2 cups
Raw cane sugar 4 heaped tbsp
Vanilla pod 1, split in half & seeds scraped out
Cinnamon stick 1
Fresh nutmeg generous dusting or ¼ tsp ground

For the sauce:
Raw cane sugar 1 cup
Water 2 tbsp
Butter 2 tbsp
Heavy cream ¼ cup
Orange liqueur ¼ cup
Macadamias 1 handful (optional)

1) Preheat the oven to 400F. Wash and score the sweet potato and bake on the center oven rack over a baking sheet until soft, about 45 – 50 minutes. Remove from the oven and set aside to cool.
Soften the gelatine sheets in a bowl with 1 cup of cold water for 3 minutes (sprinkle 2 tbsp water over powder and stir to dissolve. The gelatine will become spongy).

2) Place the half and half, sugar, vanilla pod and cinnamon stick in a heavy based saucepan and bring to a simmer, stirring until the sugar is dissolved. Remove the saucepan from the heat.

3) Next, slice the sweet potato lengthwise and scoop out the flesh. Stir well into the hot cream mixture to combine.
Pass through a fine sieve into a bowl or jug, discard the vanilla pod and cinnamon stick.

4) Squeeze the water from the gelatine leaves (leave the powdered gelatine sponge as is) and add to the mixture along with the nutmeg. Whisk until the gelatine has dissolved and check the seasoning.
Pour the mixture into small ramekins or dessert cups and leave to cool. Refrigerate to set at least 3 hours or overnight.

5) To make the sauce, bring the sugar and water to boil in a small saucepan over medium high heat until it just begins to caramelize (the key here is to bring the sugar to a light golden brown. Caramel continues to cook when removed from the heat and is bitter the darker it becomes).
Remove the caramel from the heat and add the butter, one at a time, stirring to melt. Pour in the cream and liqueur, stirring after each until smooth. Set aside.

6) Toast the macadamias, if using, in a dry sauté pan over medium heat, cool slightly and crush or roughly chop with a large knife.
Remove the panna cotta from the fridge, slightly warm the sauce over low heat, if needed, and spoon over the pudding. Garnish with macadamias and a light dusting of nutmeg. Serves 6

© 2011 All Rights Reserved. Madison Cowan, LLC

What the Penn State Scandal Tells Us: We Don’t Care About the Sexual Abuse of Boys

2011-11-15T09:34:00.004-05:00

Most of the commentary about the sex abuse scandal at Penn State University is what one would expect. Penn State football fans debate the fairness of the abrupt firing of their beloved coach; the Penn State board of directors talks about its need to hastily handle this public relations nightmare and restore the university’s storied reputation. The pundits on TV and radio pontificate while pointing their fingers and shaking their fists, questioning how Jerry Sandusky could get away with so much abuse of so many boys for so long.

Certainly, this makes good fodder for the 24-hour news cycle. And it may even assuage our collective need to understand what happened. However, this sexual abuse scandal confirms a much broader problem that has become increasingly evident to me. One that says less about Penn State than it does about our culture.

We don’t care about the sexual abuse of boys.

Consider just a few of the allegations in the Sandusky situation:

A janitor observed Sandusky the showers at the Penn State football building with a young boy pinned up against the wall, preforming oral sex on the boy. The janitor immediately tells others on the janitorial staff, including his supervisor. In fact, another janitor also sees Sandusky with the boy. Despite all of this, no one makes a report of the incident.
A 28-year-old Penn State graduate assistant enters the locker room at the football building. In the shower, he sees a naked boy, who he estimates to be about 10 years old, being sodomized by a naked Sandusky. Although he tells Paterno the next day, at the time, he does nothing to stop Sandusky.

Now, replace the word “boy” in the above instances with “girl.” Do you think that two janitors would fail to stop Sandusky from sexually assaulting a little girl? I think not. What about the graduate assistant? He was a former Penn State football player. No doubt, he would have used his best form tackling technique on Sandusky to stop him from raping a little girl.

And, consider how differently the Penn State administrators, who were told by Paterno about Sandusky’s behavior, would have responded if the victims were girls. Would they have stood idly by for years? No. They would have taken immediate action rather than risk being on the receiving end of the wrath of celebrity attorney Gloria Allred, NOW, and numerous women’s groups on campus. They would have reasoned that Penn State getting a reputation as a university that did not protect girls and women would have deeply negative consequences for years to come.

Not only that, they would probably take proactive steps to show the public that Penn State is dedicated to becoming a place that is safe for girls and women. They would start a new research center, and host forums, events, and marches to show their solidarity with the community of women. What will Penn State do to show it is a safe place for boys?

Boys have no advocacy groups to fight for them. Baby seals, pit bulls, and trees do, it seems. No matter how young and vulnerable, boys are expected to fend for themselves.

According to Prevent Child Abuse America, the sexual abuse of boys is under-reported and under-treated. Although the sexual abuse of girls has been widely studied, little research has been done on the abuse of boys. Accordingly, we don’t know nearly as much about it as we should. But, what we do know is quite troubling.

First, boys at the highest risk are younger than thirteen years of age, nonwhite, of lower socioeconomic status, and live in father-absent homes. (Alas, it is no surprise that Sandusky founded an agency that would provide him easy access to troubled boys from broken homes.) Second, sexually abused boys seem to experience more severe and complex consequences than girls in respect to emotional and behavioral problems. Yet, as a culture, much like the Penn State janitors and the graduate assistant, we see what is happening, have the ability to help, but we do nothing.

As is typical with all sex scandals, in time they move from the front page to the back page; from being the lead story to a minor mention; we move on and we forget. But our boys need our help to protect them from the Jerry Sandusky’s of the world and, when they become prey, to help them heal.

But first of all, they need us to care.

Dads Playbook Podcast with NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell. Week 5: Sibling Rivalry

2011-11-14T09:57:00.002-05:00

Welcome to the fifth installment of our 10-week podcast series, "Dads Playbook featuring NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell." 

Now that you've heard Mark talk about raising both sons and daughters, let's hear what Mark has to say about keeping those sons and daughters at peace with each other. We're talking about dealing with sibling rivalry, and Mark has some great insights to share.

Click here to download the podcast on Mark’s game plan for being an All-Star Dad when it comes to sibling rivalry.

The Thankful Campaign: A Military Dad: Thankful for Restored Relationships

2011-11-11T09:30:00.006-05:00

This is a post by Tim Red, NFI's Director of Military Program Support Services. After spending 30 years in the U.S. Army, Tim now leads NFI's efforts to help the U.S. military add fatherhood programming to its work to support military families. Tim and his wife have four children and live in Texas. Tim contributes this blog post as part The Thankful Campaign and shares his personal experience about realizing that sometimes the things we're thankful for come out of the hardest experiences of life.

I am thankful for my improved relationship with my oldest son (Travis). My mobilization/deployment from July 2005 through December 2006 affected him more than any of my kids. It put distance in our relationship that I did not know or understand. He told me three summers ago that he quit praying the day I got on that plane to go overseas. In the last four years there has really been calm only once for about a two month span in the spring of 2009. Things got very ugly in July of this year - so bad that I had to give an ultimatum that changed his life.

Since then, we have talked more in the last three and a half months than we had in the previous four years. I am thankful for the changes he has made in his life and continues to make. We have still got a long way to go, but if you would have told me we would be at this point after the events of July, I would say you were crazy. I never thought we could come so far so fast. So I am very thankful for having my son back.

I am also thankful for the young men and women that serve our country all around this world. I am thankful for their military families who support them. And I am thankful for the services that are provided by the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps and Coast Guard to support our military families.

To learn more about NFI's work with the military, visit www.fatherhood.org/military.

Thanks, Bil Keane!

2011-11-10T09:16:00.008-05:00

Bil Keane, the creator of the “Family Circus” comic, died this week at the age of 89. His comic strip put smiles on the faces of readers for over 50 years with humorous moments in the life of a family that could have been yours, mine, or any average family.

The “Family Circus” comics captured a range of family experiences – from silly things kids say to the stresses of juggling work and family to favorite family traditions like vacation and trick-or-treating. The one-panel comics engendered laughs, but also left a sense of familiarity. As Keane said, according to the Associated Press, “I would rather have the readers react with a warm smile, a tug at the heart or a lump in the throat as they recall doing the same things in their own families.”

Actually, the “Family Circus” family was probably a lot like Keane’s family. The cartoon family has a similar number and gender of children (Bil was the father of one daughter and four sons) and the Mommy was modeled after Keane’s wife Thelma. Keane commented once that "I was portraying the family through my eyes. Everything that's happened in the strip has happened to me.”

If the life of Daddy, Mommy, Billy, Jeffy, Dolly, and P.J. in “Family Circus” gives us a picture of the Keane family, it’s pretty safe to say Bil was not only a talented cartoonist, but more importantly a great dad. As his son Jeff told the AP, "He was just our dad. The great thing about him is he worked at home, we got to see him all the time, and we would all sit down and have dinner together. What you see in the 'Family Circus' is what we were and what we still are, just different generations."

Thanks, Bil, for sharing your family with us through 50+ years of fun and endearing comics. Our condolences go out to your loved ones as they mourn your passing.

Here's a few favorite fatherhood moments from "Family Circus":

The Thankful Campaign: Guest Post: Lessons Learned from Dads Who Have Gone Before

2011-11-09T13:30:00.005-05:00

Wayne Parker is the father of five children and has served as the Fatherhood Guide for About.com since 2002. Wayne contributes to The Father Factor today as part of The Thankful Campaign.

The Thanksgiving season always causes me to reflect on people who have blessed my life. This season particularly I have thought of the impact of three fathers who have shaped my attitudes about fatherhood and my own experience as a father.

My own father taught me many important lessons. The first is that fathers work hard to support their families. Even though my dad worked two jobs most of my life to sustain our family and I missed having more time with him growing up, I never doubted his commitment and his love. And he taught me most of all by example that the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

I was also close to another father growing up, who was the dad of my best friend and my dad’s best friend. Gene Holderness taught me the importance of making time for fun and for doing things together as a family. Gene’s joy for life and his commitment to fun made a big impression and helped shape my own approach to fatherhood.

Finally, the third important father figure in my life was a religious leader from my youth who raised a truly remarkable family. Barrie Blackburn taught me some remarkable lessons about resilience, about surviving and thriving after tragedy, and about how to best battle the seeds of discouragement that often creep into a father’s life. He lost a son to leukemia but never lost faith. And his gift to me of a hand-carved top with a small flaw in it reminds me often that keeping moving is the best way to not look too critically at our own flaws and scars.

So, thanks for great fathers, our own and the fathers of others, who made such a difference for us. It is our job as fathers to pass on that legacy of amazing fatherhood to our children, our grandchildren and beyond.

The Thankful Campaign: What is NFI Thankful For, You Ask?

2011-11-07T13:53:00.008-05:00

During The Thankful Campaign this month, NFI is encouraging you to Show Your Thanks, and we're saying thanks too! Each week in the Dad Email™, we'll tell you about something we're thankful for this year.

Last week, we said "thanks" for Changed Lives - specifically for children whose lives were changed because their dads participated in one of our programs and gained the knowledge and skills to be involved, responsible, and committed fathers.

Earlier this year, we were excited to learn that a longitudinal study by Rutgers found that our InsideOut Dad™ program for incarcerated fathers is effective in improving dads' confidence, knowledge, behavior, and attitudes around fathering. This study qualifies InsideOut Dad™ as the first evidence-based program designed specifically for inmate fathers. (Learn more about the Rutgers study here.)

Troy is one of the dads who graduated from an InsideOut Dad™ program, and his story is proof that lives are being changed through NFI's work. Actually, maybe we should say that it's Xavier's story instead. Xavier is Troy's son, and the change in Troy is most evident in the happiness of his son, who now has what his father never had... a good dad. Watch Troy and Xavier's story here - and grab the tissues before you do, because this short video will pull at your heartstrings.

So today, NFI says thanks for Changed Lives like Troy and Xavier. It's all possible because people like you support our work and enable us to impact dads, kids, and families!

The Thankful Campaign: Thankful Tips from Dads & Moms

2011-11-04T10:18:00.004-04:00

As part of The Thankful Campaign, we are asking our Facebook followers, Dad E-mail™ subscribers, and blog readers to "Talk Back" by answering a weekly question on the topic of thankfulness. This week we asked you to tell us how you're teaching your children to be thankful. We received a lot of great tips and advice on our Facebook page! Check out these suggestions from dads and moms on raising thankful kids:

The last few years have been extremely tough for us financially and we have had to do without a lot of things we had gotten used to. One time our children were getting discouraged and making statements like "we don't ever get to do anything anymore!" So we took them on a driving tour of a local homeless camp. No matter how bad you think you have it, there are many, many people who have it worse!
Since she's only a year old, we're teaching Morgan to say thank you when someone gives her something (food, toys, etc...), but we'll certainly work on the other thanks as she gets older. She seems to be getting the idea so far.
As for me and my wife we've got 3 kids, 10, 8, and 5, we try and teach them to be thankful by showing them that the things they have are a blessing being that we both work and still find it hard to survive. There are many people in the world that have nothing.
I have been working with my children about saying thank you, even for the small things. Though they may not "get it" yet at such a young age, they will know about it, and I feel that they are slowly starting to understand the importance.
By telling them to put God FIRST, talking and explaining morals. Hardwork and patience never grow old. Lastly, I ask them to think about their actions before they act so that the end result is positive and something they can be thankful for.
To put Jesus first! And get them to watch the news! The news usually has a humbling story and point it out to them!
Lots of the things already mentioned, plus we insist on them saying please and thank you for things. Also at Christmas, they usually get 1-2 gifts and then we give toys or a donation to a local charity.
Encouraging my little one to say thank you is something I always do, but when she is a little older I would like to include her in some volunteer efforts.
I tell my three boys, ages 5, 3, and 1, that I love them very much every single day, several times a day. I show them by example to love God and all his creations. Lastly,we do everything together--pray, eat, have fun, read and learn...
We give thanks to God before eating a meal. The children started volunteering at an early age at church and helping out at home.We believe that when children are taught to be of service to others at an early age it teaches them to have grateful hearts.
Children often learn by example so when it comes to teaching them to be thankful, the most important thing I can do to help impart these values is through being a good role model in that regard.

Stay tuned for next week's "Talk Back" question in the Dad Email™.

Also, check out our 5 Tips for Raising Thankful Kids.

Guest Post: And the Winner of the 2011 Fatherhood Award is...

2011-11-03T14:33:00.007-04:00

Shawn Bean is the executive editor of Parenting and author of the new fatherhood manual Show Dad How. He lives with his wife and two young sons in Florida. Shawn learned about NFI's "View and Vote" contest to select the next winner of our Fatherhood Award™ and wrote on his blog Pop Culture about why he thinks this is a great idea. (Read Shawn's original post here).

In one of my previous posts, I take issue with the current state of dadvertising. Where to even begin? For starters, moms get all the good gigs (Hey Proctor & Gamble, you think only moms use the Swiffer? I Swiff! I Swiff like a motherswiffer!) There are as many redheaded English princes as there are cool modern dads selling product these days. Dads are losing pitchman gigs to cavemen and lizards. The two most prominent males in advertising are Mr. Clean and the Brawny paper towel guy. If those dudes have kids, they certainly never let them on the label. And what would two childless guys know about using cleaning products?

So I was seriously happy to see that the National Fatherhood Initiative has nominated three companies for its 2011 Fatherhood Award™, companies that have created TV commercials that present Dad as the kind of guy we aspire to be: easy-going, funny, someone a kid can look up to.

Voting for the 2011 Fatherhood Award™ ends this Sunday, November 6th. To cast your vote, click here.

The Thankful Campaign: Giving Thanks for Fathers and Families

2011-11-02T11:04:00.006-04:00

As we head into the holiday season and the end of the year, we're Giving Thanks for Fathers and Families through The Thankful Campaign.

Throughout the month of November, we'll be leveraging our Dad E-Mail, Facebook page, and this blog to bring you helpful tips on raising thankful kids (check out these 5 tips to get you started), share what we're thankful for here at NFI, and give you opportunities to show your thanks. If you haven't already, make sure you sign-up for our Dad E-mail and like our Facebook page so you can participate in The Thankful Campaign.

One exciting feature of The Thankful Campaign is that YOU get to be part of it. Each week, we will post a question on our Facebook page and will feature your answers (anonymously of course) on this blog. This week's question is: How are you teaching your children to be thankful? Share your advice on Facebook and look for a blog post next week with your comments included.

Visit http://www.fatherhood.org/the-thankful-campaign-2011 to learn more about The Thankful Campaign and show your thanks today!

Dads Playbook Podcast with NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell. Week 4: Fathering Sons

2011-10-31T09:14:00.003-04:00

Welcome to the fourth installment of our 10-week podcast series, "Dads Playbook featuring NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell."

This week, NFI president Roland C. Warren sits down with Mark to talk about raising sons.

Since boys and girls are different, being a father to them presents different challenges and opportunities. Mark, a father of three boys and one girl, has some great advice for being a great dad to your son.

Click here to download the podcast on Mark’s game plan for being an All-Star Dad when it comes to raising sons.

A Mom's Perspective: Appreciating an Involved Husband

2011-10-28T10:36:00.004-04:00

I got coffee last week with a friend of mine – a woman who’s a few years older than me, married, and a stay-at-home mom of three young kids, including a 4-month-old. I love talking with this lady and hearing about her life. As a single working woman, I appreciate getting perspective on a different lifestyle than my own.

My friend asked me to tell her more about what I do with National Fatherhood Initiative. As I explained our mission and work, she shared that she has recently experienced how much of a difference having an involved father makes for her as a mom.

She said her husband sometimes didn’t seem to know how to be involved with the kids when they first became parents – largely because his own father had not contributed much to housework or childcare – but now that they’re on kid #3, he’s really shown a lot of initiative. Especially during her difficult pregnancy, he had to do pretty much everything in the home and for the two children. His wife expressed how much she appreciated that he has cheerfully taken on extra responsibility.

My friend said that three great things have happened because her husband is helping more with the kids and the housework. #1 Their marriage is stronger. She is more attracted to him and has more energy to spend time with him. #2 Their home is more peaceful. She doesn’t have to constantly be giving directions – “Okay, this needs to be taken care of right now,” “Honey, can you brush the kids’ teeth?” – because he is noticing and doing things that need to be done. #3 The kids have a closer relationship with their dad. Instead of constantly going to Mom for what they want, they have started choosing Dad to help them or play with them.

I know, theoretically, that all of those things happen when dads are more involved. Everything my friend said was in synch with what NFI’s research has shown. And, as a daughter, I know that having an involved dad made a huge impact in my life. But it was really neat to hear a first-hand perspective from a mom/wife on how much she values the support she has from her husband and how their family benefits from his involvement as a dad.

Moms, how has your husband made a difference in your family by becoming more involved in helping around the house and taking care of the kids? What do you appreciate most about him?

Face-to-Face or Cargo Space? Subaru's Father-Friendly Ad

2011-10-27T14:48:00.007-04:00

The best thing about Subaru's "Baby Driver" ad is that you don't even know what model Subaru is being advertised.

How many car commercials have you seen in which, at the end of the commercial, you don't actually know the name of the car? Your answer, if you have seen "Baby Driver," is probably "one."

So, why did Subaru do this? Why did they "break the rules of advertising"?

We were lucky enough to get the answer straight from the folks at Subaru last week when we presented them with a Fatherhood Award for their great work on "Baby Driver."

What they told us is that they wanted to focus on the relationship between the father and daughter in the ad (who happen to be a real life father and daughter!), and not on the specifics of the car. They were more interested in face-to-face than cargo space.

And that is why we gave Subaru a Fatherhood Award. Too often, father-child relationships are reduced to punchlines on TV. Subaru decided to show real life fatherhood - dads who care about the safety of their children and "live life deeply" with them.

We are hopeful that more and more companies will follow Subaru's lead. They have good economics reasons to - new research is showing that dads are becoming more and more involved in family purchasing decisions. When dads are portrayed well, everyone wins - dads, moms, kids, and the company's bottom line.

Bravo to Subaru for such a great ad that sends such a great message... After all, "Love" is what makes a Subaru a Subaru.

Vote today for your favorite Father-Friendly TV Ad: Chevrolet, Oreo, or Volkswagen?

2011-10-25T10:43:00.000-04:00

Regular readers of our blog know that we occasionally honor individuals, corporations, and organizations with our Fatherhood Award™ for their work to strengthen involved, responsible, and committed fatherhood. (Click here to learn more about our Fatherhood Award™ and see a list of recent and past honorees.)

We need YOU to help us choose the next recipient of our Fatherhood Award™. We selected three wonderful television commercials by Chevrolet, Oreo, and Volkswagen that portray fathers interacting with their children in heart-warming ways. A special page on our Facebook allows people to view the commercials and vote for their favorite. The ad that receives the most votes by November 6 will receive a Fatherhood Award™ from National Fatherhood Initiative.

Would you take 2 minutes to click on this link, watch the three commercials, and vote for the one you think is most deserving of a Fatherhood Award™? Vote every day between now and November 6 - and tell your friends and colleagues to vote too!

We guarantee that these short videos will bring a smile to your face. In a time TV typically portrays dads as dumb, disaffected, or dangerous, it's really encouraging to see corporate brands depicting fathers in positive ways in their advertising. We want to see more of these types of ads and that's why we're doing this contest on Facebook. Take a look and vote - no matter whether you vote for Chevrolet, Oreo, or Volkswagen, you're casting a vote for a brand that recognizes the importance of dads!

Vote today!

Dads Playbook Podcast with NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell. Week 3: Fathering Daughters

2011-10-24T10:20:00.002-04:00

Welcome to the third installment of our 10-week podcast series, Dads Playbook featuring NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell.

This week, NFI president Roland C. Warren sits down with Mark to talk about raising daughters.

Since boys and girls are different, being a father to them presents different challenges and opportunities. Mark, a father of three boys and one girl, has some great advice for being a great dad to your daughter (next week, we’ll hear what he has to say about raising sons).

Click here to download the podcast on Mark’s game plan for being an All-Star Dad when it comes to raising daughters.

Steve Jobs and his search for the “iDad”

2011-10-20T09:53:00.002-04:00

A few years ago, I was on an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show called “The Secret Thoughts of Fathers.” The show featured about 10 dads, most of whom had wives that were concerned about their fathering. In typical Oprah fashion, camera crews were sent to the family homes.

As we watched the video segments at the beginning of the show, there was one father who stood out from the rest because his family was in a real crisis. His wife was clearly frustrated with his lack of engagement with the family, and his young son, who clearly idolized his dad, was hurting badly from his dad’s rejection. It was evident that this dad's passion was elsewhere.

When the video clip ended, Oprah turned to me and said, “So, Roland, what do you have to say to this father?” Well, this was live TV and I was on the spot. But, fortunately, the right words came to me and I said, “Your son doesn’t want to know about you. He wants to know you.” Before I could say more, Oprah repeated what I said, and then said, “That’s good…I’m going to be quoting you on that one.” The father nodded in agreement.

He had a moment of clarity.

I was reminded of that moment recently when I read the below excerpt from a soon-to-be released book titled “Steve Jobs” by Walter Isaacson.

“A few weeks ago, I visited Jobs for the last time in his Palo Alto, Calif., home…We talked about his childhood, and he gave me some pictures of his father and family to use in my biography. As a writer, I was used to being detached, but I was hit by a wave of sadness as I tried to say goodbye. In order to mask my emotion, I asked the one question that was still puzzling me: Why had he been so eager, during close to 50 interviews and conversations over the course of two years, to open up so much for a book when he was usually so private? “I wanted my kids to know me,” he said. “I wasn’t always there for them, and I wanted them to know why and to understand what I did.”

As I read these words, I was stuck by the irony of two things. First, I am typing these words on a MacBook Pro, which I love, and plugged into it is my iPad, which I love even more.

Second, and sadly, it is clear that Jobs, who poured his heart, soul, and passion into these and other wonderful devices, regretted his failure to bring to “market” something of more importance…the iDad. Alas, there is a common saying that people close to death generally do not wish that they had spent more time at the office. What matters most at that crucial time is not what you were working on, but rather whom you were working for. Steve Jobs, exceptional in many ways, was no exception.

I don’t say these things to be disrespectful towards a dad who has died, but rather, as a warning for the dads who are still here. As fathers, we are all susceptible to creating false dichotomies when it comes to balancing work and family. For example, there are some who would assert that in order for Jobs to become a transformational business leader, he had to sacrifice his children at the altar of success. Jobs could not be a legendary innovator and an involved father. That’s just the way it is, they would say.

But ironically, Jobs’ life and management style did nothing if not dispel the notion of false dichotomies. He was raised by working class parents, dropped out of college, and went on to become a master of complex technologies. In fact, he challenged Apple’s engineers to develop a phone that both a 50-year-old businessman and a 14-year-old girl would covet. And, he topped this feat by tasking them to develop a laptop that was as powerful as the best on the market, yet as light as air.

Alas, Jobs was never an “either/or” kind of guy. He was a “both/and” man who thrived on making the seemingly impossible possible. Yet, the excerpt above suggests that he may not have brought this characteristic to his role as a father. And in the end, he hoped to make things right with his children.

The problem is that his children didn’t want to know about him, they wanted to know him. And despite all of our wonderful technology, knowing someone is less high tech and more “high touch.”

Several years after I did the Oprah Show, a woman approached me after I finished a speech. She looked me straight in eyes and said, “You don’t remember me, do you?” And, I had to admit that I didn’t. Well, it turns out that she was the wife of the man on the Oprah show whose family was in crisis. She told me that the show was a turning point for her husband. In fact, he changed almost immediately, and became an incredibly engaged father. He had discovered his iDad.

We wondered why $52??

2011-10-14T11:27:00.002-04:00

When you work for a non-profit, you often see strange donation amounts come through. $201... $36...$4. Often, the meaning has significane to the donor. When we saw a $52 donation come through, we wondered the same thing, but this time we found out why!

A husband and wife team in New York City has committed to making 2011 a year of giving. Every Friday they donate $52 to a charity they support. On September 23, 2011 they picked NFI. Read more about why here!

Thank you 52Times52 for your support!

Courageous: NFI Staff Reactions

2011-10-13T10:38:00.003-04:00

We have heard from a lot of you about what you thought of the movie, Courageous. This time, we wanted to share reaction to the movie from our own staff. The feedback speaks for itself!

"Good films not only entertain, they speak powerfully into deeply personal issues or important social problems. Great films speak to both. On that measure, Courageous is a great film. It is one of the most emotionally powerful films I have seen in along time; it hits very close to home for dads like me who grew up without their fathers. It also intelligently tackles the social crisis of our time--the widespread absence of fathers from the lives of our nation's children." -- NFI president, Roland C. Warren, from his guest column about Courageous on about.com.
"Courageous is a wonderful film that provides fathers with the inspiration they need to become the fathers their children need them to be. Any father who sees this movie can't leave without the sense of courage needed to take action and step up to say "I Will" in leading his children and family." -- Melissa Steward, Senior Director of Marketing and Program Support
"This movie grips you from the start- it felt a lot more real-life and grittier than some of the previous films by this group. The story makes you really think about the incredible impact fathers can have in their children's lives - real fatherhood is not coasting along, it must be intentional." -- Ave Mulhern, Program Support Consultant
"The stories are presented in a mostly realistic way and you can envision similar conversations occurring throughout households in America. The discussion of responsible fatherhood is woven throughout film in different ways along with the negative consequences of father absence. Although I assumed that they would go "hard" with the fatherhood message, I didn't expect it to be so funny! We laughed out loud at many different scenes and even retold them later! I think they did a great job of conveying a moral while still entertaining you." -- Elaine Barber, Senior Director of Events and Logistics
“From the opening scene to the very end, I was taken in by the powerful message of Christ-centered transformation and what can happen when a father’s heart is turned towards his children. It’s hard to walk away from the movie without a greater sense of just how much our children are relying on us as dads to be there for them.” -- Mike Yudt, Director of Program Support Services
"I appreciated how Courageous depicted the challenges and struggles of dads in all walks of life: married dads, a dad with part-time custody, a “dead-beat” dad, a dad who grew up without his own father, a dad who’s struggling to make ends meet for his family, an incarcerated dad. It’s a movie that men in all areas of fathering will be able to relate to and will be challenged by – even dads who are positively involved in their children’s lives will be motivated to be more than a “good enough” dad. -- Renae Smith, Corporate Outreach Coordinator
"Had an AWESOME date night with my wife last night celebrating our 14th Wedding Anniversary! We went to an Asian restaurant that just opened ... Then, we went to see Courageous. WOW! What a GREAT movie! I absolutely LOVED it...so did Angie. Other than when I saw The Passion of the Christ, I've never shed so many tears during a movie...
it made you go through EVERY emotion. SO POWERFUL!" -- Rick Barnes, Graphic Design Consultant

We would still love to hear from you about what you thought of this powerful movie!

Guest Post: The Courage to Forgive

2011-10-11T09:28:00.001-04:00

This is a guest post from Jeff Allanach, a newspaper editor in Maryland. Jeff is a married father of two children, and writes about fatherhood in his weekly column. You can follow Jeff on his Facebook page, Adventures in Fatherhood.

I expected “Courageous” to give me a renewed sense of dedication to living the life of a great father and setting the right example for my children. After all, the movie emphasizes the need for fathers to play an active role in the lives of their children, which I already do.

But I felt a greater sense of a need for deep reflection as I looked inward and saw a character I did not expect to see: Nathan Hayes.

Nathan is the newest deputy in the sheriff’s office that is pivotal in the movie. He is a loving husband, and the dedicated father of three children, so much so that risks his life to save his
infant daughter.

He also grew up fatherless, and could have turned out to be another statistic were it not for the efforts of a mentor who kept him straight and introduced him to a life of faith.

I felt connected to Nathan because I, too, grew up fatherless. Nathan explained it to David Thomson, a young deputy who just finished his rookie year on the force, after David asked him if he really felt he had a messed up childhood because he did not have a dad.

“More than you know,” Nathan responds. He goes on to tell him about the scars he still lives with even though he is a loving and involved father in his children’s lives.

Men usually shrug at having grown up fatherless, unwilling to confront the raw feelings of abandonment that inevitably comes with it.

Yet regardless of the reasons for a father’s absence, the results are the same. A boy who has no father has no role model, and will search for one wherever he can find it. Some find a false one in gangs. The lucky ones find one in church, other reputable organizations, or a mixture of influential people in their lives.

Some never find one, and are at greater risk of poverty, drug use, and even jail.

I admit that some days I shrug less than others at my father’s absence, but the scars are always with me.

No one taught me how to catch a baseball, and I can still feel the ridicule of other kids after letting the ball fly past me in right field. If I search deeply enough, I can feel the envy of other Boy Scouts whose dads taught them how to tie a knot or build a campfire. And I still have a scar to remind me that my father wasn’t around to teach me not to drag a razor horizontally across my upper lip.

Nathan’s scars may have been different, but they were scars nonetheless. Yet he also did something I aspire to do someday. He forgave his father. With all of his heart and soul, Nathan forgave his father for abandoning him as a child.

But here is a key difference between Nathan and me. Nathan’s father is dead. He has no way of knowing if his father regretted abandoning him or not, yet Nathan forgave him anyway in a touching graveside scene.

Nathan showed his courage by risking his life to save his infant daughter, but it takes infinitely more courage to forgive the man who so blatantly wronged him.

My father is alive, but has expressed no remorse for leaving his wife and four children 35 years ago. How does someone forgive another who has not asked for it?

Nathan did, and I wonder if I have the same courage inside of me.

So, is “Courageous” a movie about fatherlessness and the need for men to play an active role in the lives of their children? Or is it a movie about forgiveness, and a father letting go of the scars he feels having grown up fatherless?

It’s both. I just need to decide which one speaks more loudly to me.

Dads Playbook Podcast with NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell. Week 2: Dealing with Disappointment

2011-10-10T15:20:00.003-04:00

Welcome to the second installment of our 10-week podcast series, Dads Playbook featuring NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell.

This week, NFI president Roland C. Warren sits down with Mark to talk about helping your children deal with disappointment.

We all know that disappointments are not a question of “if” but of “when.” But we can use the disappointments our children will face as opportunities to teach them how to pick themselves up and go forward. Listen to Mark talking with Roland about “failing well.”

Click here to download the podcast on Mark’s game plan for being an All-Star Dad when it comes to dealing with disappointment.

Hey Dad, Do You Eat With Your Kids?

2011-10-06T16:34:00.007-04:00

The New York Times published this piece entitled "Why Does It Matter That Families Eat Together?" Not surprising, it talks about the large amounts of research that show that kids that eat with their families do better in school, are less likely to do drugs or to be obese. What they didn't mention is seen in the documentary photo series that accompanies the piece. Take a look. Do you notice anything?

In almost every photo, there is a father pictured. Is it a coincidence that kids that have an involved father do better in school, are less likely to do drugs or be obese? We think not.

Tell us dads... do you eat regularly with your kids?

Guest Post: Kids need an Open Door Policy with Dad

2011-10-06T16:09:00.006-04:00

This is a guest post from Dr. Clarence Shuler. Dr Shuler is an author, marriage counselor, speaker and life & relationship coach. He is President/CEO of BLR: Building Lasting Relationships, a non-profit helping individuals and organizations develop mutually-beneficial relationships. Dr. Shuler and his wife Brenda have three college-aged daughters.

More than a few fathers and mothers gave me a warning when my three girls were young. Their warning was that as soon as my girls became teenagers that they wouldn’t want to spend time with me. Their warning troubled me.

Unintentionally, I almost made their prediction come true. It hit me in two ways. First, while on our family vacation to Disney World, I realized that my girls were getting what was left over in my time. My girls deserved and needed my best, so I changed my priority to focus on my girls after their mother and then my job.

Secondly, as a self-employed struggling new writer, I kept the door of my home office closed. My little girls love me, so they wouldn’t even knock on the door because they didn’t want to disturb me. Maybe it was the grace of God that had me move my office to the basement and keep my office door open.

Like clockwork, with an open door, all my girls from elementary school through high school as soon as they came home would come down to my office to say, “Hello” and touch base with me. It was a little humbling initially because they only wanted five minutes or so to say, “I love you Dad.” I responded, “I love you too. How was your day?” I didn’t ask yes/no questions.

My girls knew with my “open door” policy that they were and are more important than anything I’m writing. They said it gave them security knowing they had access to me. Even when I travel for a speaking engagement or consulting, my girls know that if they call, I’m going to answer my cell. I may ask, “Can we talk later?” But I’m going to answer their call.

I also began taking my girls on some of my trips so we could have some one-on-one time. This was more work because when I finished working, there was no down time, but I made memories with them forever! It was good use of those frequent flyer miles and hotel points!

Teaching and coaching my girls in basketball and tennis resulted in bonding more with them. Children and wives spell love: T-I-M-E!

The payoff has been my girls asking me to come see them in college and calling to share their lives with me. I often text them: “I LOVE YOU.”

With my twins being 22 years old and my baby 21, I’m glad they want me in their lives. It isn’t about being perfect. I’ve certainly blown things; but forgiveness is a wonderful thing. It is about consistency. Often, I asked my girls how I was doing as their dad. We had some relevant discussions. They helped me father them better. We all made some changes. They appreciated me apologizing when I was wrong. It is about quantity time, not quality time. QUALITY TIME comes out of QUANTITY TIME.

What I’m trying to say is that my daughters love spending time with me, which is one of the greatest gifts that I continue to treasure.

Chef Madison Cowan Helps Dads Get Fit2Father with his Modern Age Pie

2011-10-06T10:19:00.011-04:00

Food Network's "Chopped" Champion, Chef Madison Cowan gave us his thoughts on cooking with kids for Fit2Father Week Four!

As a crumb snatcher coming up during the early 70s, pork pies, cheese and onion pasties and (my personal favourite) codfish patties were weekly staples round my yard. These quick snacks, warming in the oven, created a comforting aroma that met you at the door after school. Cheap, delicious and loaded with fat and preservatives but nonetheless spot on when nothing else was ready to hand.

Nowadays when time is limited and funds are short, my daughter and I pop round the shops for fresh ingredients to make quesadillas. Well balanced and nutritious, they’re the perfect meal for a family of any size. Start by heating a dry, non-stick pan over medium-heat, place a multigrain or spinach tortilla in the pan and sprinkle on a large handful of grated, low-sodium cheddar. Spoon 3 tablespoons of the following vegetable mixture over half of the tortilla:

Scallions 3, chopped
Fresh coriander 1 small handful, chopped
Scotch bonnet chili 1 small, seeds removed and finely chopped
Tinned black beans 1 handful, rinsed and drained

Finish it off with tinned tuna (drained and flaked), cooked chicken strips, cooked shrimp or thinly sliced medium rare skirt steak. When the cheese starts to melt, fold the quesadilla in half and toast both sides until golden brown. Remove the quesadilla from the pan and cut in half. Serve with a side of salsa or guacamole and enjoy.

The good thing is they're as wholesome as they are fun and effortless to make. So round up the lil’ ones, get cooking and eat well without breaking the bank.

It's not too late to get Fit2Father! Pledge today!

Dancing With the Stars: Where Did Rob Kardashian Really Learn How to be a Gentleman?

2011-10-05T15:32:00.005-04:00

Rob Kardashian (yes, of those Kardashians) is a contestant on the new season of Dancing With the Stars. After his first dance, the commentator pointed out that he must have learned how to deal with strong women (alluding to his dance partner, Cheryl Burke) by growing up in a house with his five sisters and his mother. He responded by saying, “I learned how to be a gentleman from all those beautiful women.”

At that point, I threw my hands up in exasperation.

To help you understand why I was so befuddled by this statement, I will present an alternative scenario.

A woman is on a TV show and she appears to be very “ladylike” in her behavior. The host of the show says as much, and she responds, “I learned how to be a lady from my five brothers and my father.”

No one would ever say that because it would be silly… at best.

So then why is it “acceptable” for a man to say he learned how to be a gentleman from his sisters and mother? Even more, Kardashian has a stepfather, Bruce Jenner, and a biological father (Robert, who was divorced from his mom and passed away when Rob was 16).

Now, I can understand the notion that women can demand or expect gentlemanly behavior from a man. But they can’t possibly model that behavior for them; only another man can do that.

Besides, don’t you think that if a young man is being “instructed” by his sisters and mother to treat them nicely that, in the absence of a responsible father, it could actually backfire? He may resent being told what to do, especially when he becomes a teenager and is looking for male guidance and answers from men about what it means to be a man.

I am not debating whether or not Rob Kardashian is a gentleman; I have no idea if he is or not. However, I do not believe that any young man can learn gentlemanly behavior from just watching women’s behavior.

For Rob Kardashian, if he is in fact a gentleman, my guess is that it was not from his mother and sisters, but his stepfather and his biological father (for whom Rob just did a tribute on Dancing With the Stars) from whom he learned how to be a gentleman. Why he did not credit those men in his statement is a topic for another blog post…

Why am I writing any of this at all? While, in the grand scheme of things it does not matter where Rob Kardashian learned how to be a gentleman (if in fact he did), it is important for our culture to recognize the unique and irreplaceable role that fathers play in their children’s lives. And one of those roles is to model gentlemanly behavior for his sons, and to show his daughters the gentlemanly behavior they should expect from men. I guess thinking those lessons will come out of Dancing With the Stars is a bit too much for me to expect. Oh, well.

Respecting Presidents

2011-10-03T11:36:00.007-04:00

This is a post from National Fatherhood Initiative’s Executive Vice President, Christopher Brown.

I’ve thought a lot recently about the value Americans place on respect and the role that parents and the media play in communicating the importance of respect to our nation’s children.

What brought this issue home to me recently is the behavior of my daughter’s high-school classmates during a speech that President Obama gave last week to students across the country.

This isn’t the first year that the President has delivered a speech to the nation’s school children on the importance of school and a good education. While President Obama has made it an annual address, previous Presidents also addressed our nation’s school children on the importance of school and a good education (including both George W. and George H.W. Bush).

When Obama first started his speeches, I thought it strange that parents were given a form they could sign to “opt out” their children from hearing the speech. Why would I not want my child to hear the President of the United States deliver a speech on the importance of school and getting a good education? Perhaps only that I have an unfounded, paranoid fear that the President would deliver a partisan speech and that, as a result, my child would be co-opted into a way of thinking that I disagree with. If a President had that level of influence, I’d tell him to talk about the importance of eating your vegetables.

At any rate, my daughter reported that her classmates were so disrespectful—hooping and hollering and calling the President names—that she couldn’t even hear parts of the speech. She was genuinely disgusted with the behavior and wondered why these kids—some of whom are her friends—would show such disrespect simply because they don’t agree with or like the President (similar stories emerged of a lack of respect for President George W. Bush as well)

Should we be surprised by this behavior? Not when we live in a nation that has become so polarized politically that words like “respect” and “compromise” and “moderate” have become nostalgic words, at best. In a media-saturated world in which partisan radio, TV, and Internet outlets have grown in number and influence, it is critical that fathers teach their children that they can respect and disagree with someone at the same time without attacking the person’s character.

Fathers have much more influence on their children than any President, and they should help their children develop values necessary for a democracy to thrive, such as the values of compromise and common courtesy. In fact, one of the core values of NFI’s 24/7 Dad™ program is to respect others, teach children to do the same, and extend respect through common courtesy—a cultural value that appears to be slowly, sadly disappearing.

Be Courageous, See Courageous!

2011-09-30T09:26:00.002-04:00

Over the last month, we have told you quite a bit about the film Courageous. Today it finally comes out in theaters.

We strongly encourage you to go see it with your family, keeping in mind that it is rated PG-13 for some scenes involving drug trading and gangs, with some intense action (the dads are police officers, so the action is perfectly in keeping with the story).

The film has one of the most uplifting and inspiring messages about fatherhood you will find on the big screen; and it is very entertaining, moving from funny to tear-jerking without a hitch.

The church that produced the film, Sherwood Baptist Church, also produced Fireproof and Facing the Giants. While Courageous is a Christian-themed film, it has a message that can resonate with all fathers and families - when dads have the courage to step up and be great dads, it makes all the difference in the world to families and communities.

You can buy your tickets in advance online by clicking here.

If you still are not convinced to go see the film, watch the opening scene of Courageous below (click here to see video online)

Do involved fathers = smarter, better behaved children?

2011-09-29T14:26:00.006-04:00

According to findings from a recent study from Concordia University, the answer to that question is yes. Compared to children whose fathers were absent, the study found that children who had present and actively involved fathers had higher IQs and demonstrated fewer behavioral problems.

Erin Pougnet, the study’s author, noted that programming for fathers is an important application of the findings of this study:

Programs that teach fathers positive parenting skills and that are attractive and accessible to families from a range of socioeconomic strata, "could go a long way to enhance children's later development."

Another expert in child research, Dr. Mariana Brussoni of the Child & Family Research Institute and University of British Columbia, noted that many programs neglect to specifically focus on fathers:

It is crucial for policies and programs to consider how they can support fathers to remain involved in children's lives. Many of the existing programs are more focused towards mothers and their needs, which is undoubtedly important. However, fathers cannot continue to be relegated to a secondary parenting role.

These statements are no surprise to us at NFI. We’ve long recognized that fathers take a different approach to parenting than mothers and need resources that are specifically designed for them. In fact, this matches what dads and moms are telling us in our national surveys, Pop's Culture and Mama Says:

Almost 50% of dads felt like they did not have the skills to be a father when they first became a dad
"Lack of knowledge about how to be a good father” ranked highly on dads’ list of obstacles to good fathering
1 in 3 moms also agreed that the “lack of parenting resources specifically designed for fathers” is a significant obstacle to dads’ parenting

That’s where NFI comes in. NFI is the #1 provider of fatherhood resources and the #1 trainer of organizations and fatherhood practitioners. Here’s just a few of the highlights of our work to make sure dads have the resources they need to help them be involved fathers:

NFI offers over 100 resources designed specifically for fathers (brochures, fathering handbooks, curricula for fatherhood programs, etc.)
We have distributed over 5.8 million fatherhood skill-building resources
We have trained over 7,600 fatherhood program practitioners and over 3,500 organizations on how to deliver fatherhood skill-building programming to dads
Independent, third-party evaluations of our fatherhood curricula have shown statistically significant increases in pro-fathering knowledge, attitudes, and skills

You can learn more about the fatherhood skill-build resources we offer at our FatherSOURCE™ Resource Center. Ultimately, we strive to provide the very best skill-building resources for fathers because, as research like the Concordia University study have found, kids thrive when they have involved, responsible, and committed fathers. That is what is at the heart of NFI’s mission.

Fatherhood is as Serious as a Heart Attack... Literally

2011-09-28T14:41:00.004-04:00

A new study (described in this article and in many other places) has found that fathers are less likely than other men to die of heart disease.

To summarize, "childless men were 17 percent more likely to have died of heart disease during the decade [under study] than the men who were fathers." The article goes on to talk about the potential link between infertility and heart disease, which is very interesting.

But I really like what the researcher says towards the end of the article:
"There may be more than just a biologic reason" for the childless men’s higher risk of dying of heart disease, (Dr. Michael) Eisenberg says. After all, other studies have shown men who live alone tend to die sooner than men who don’t, he says, and maybe having kids spurs men to take better care of themselves.

We often say here at NFI that in order to be a good father you have to be alive. We know that one of the biggest motivators for men around a variety of issues is their children. Taking care of their health appears to be no different.

I know in my own life that since my son was born, I have been much more interested in staying healthy - my wife and I have gone through P90X, and are doing Insanity as we speak.

And this is why NFI does its fit2father campaign every year. In fact, you should take the pledge today to join other dads in getting healthy for their kids' sakes!

So, we are not necessarily surprised by the conclusion and interpretation of this new study. However, men do still live about 6 years less than women, and one of the reasons is that they don't go to the doctor nearly as often as women do. So, while we know that having children motivates men to do better, they still have a ways to go to make sure they are doing all they can to be around for their children for as long, and as healthily, as possible.

The corporate disconnect between work and family

2011-09-27T11:08:00.003-04:00

Does your company offer flexible working hours or telecommuting options to improve work-life balance for employees? As many as 85% of companies offer some kind of flexible time arrangement, but a recent study found that many workers don’t feel comfortable using these options.

According to “The Juggle” on The Wall Street Journal, some employees say they have been discouraged in some form by their managers from taking advantage of flex time options or fear that they will lose respect or be perceived as “slacking” on the job.

This disconnect between employers’ claim to family-friendliness and what they do (or don’t do) to enable their employees to make use of work-family balance options is disheartening, and could end up working against the employers in the end. Studies have shown that workers who have flexible working schedules are more satisfied with their job, experience less stress, have stronger loyalty to their company, and work harder.

NFI has worked with a variety of companies from Fortune 500 companies like KPMG, Blue Cross Blue Shield, and IBM, to smaller corporations to help them improve their Work-Family Balance policies. We believe that helping dads balance work and family is part of our mission to improve the well-being of children. When dads are able to adjust their working schedule to be more involved with their kids or at home, it helps moms too, who told NFI in a nationwide survey that they could balance work and family better if they had more support from dads.

If supporting families isn’t important to companies (which it should be, and is for many companies), certainly the bottom line is. And the bottom line is strengthened when employees are enabled and encouraged to balance work and family. Work-family balance is a win-win-win for everyone: companies, employees, and children.

Tell us about your experience. What kind of work-family balance options does your company offer? Do you feel like your company supports and encourages you to take advantage of those options?

Dads Playbook Podcast with NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell. Week 1: Work-Family Balance

2011-09-26T09:14:00.005-04:00

Welcome to the first installment of our 10-week podcast series, Dads Playbook featuring NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell.

This week, NFI president Roland C. Warren sits down with Mark to talk about the challenge of balancing work and family.

According to NFI’s two national surveys on attitudes about fathering (Pop’s Culture and Mama Says) both moms and dads think that the biggest obstacle to good fathering is “work responsibilities.”

You can imagine that being a professional athlete makes it even harder to be an involved dad year round. But Mark has some great advice to get you started on achieving balance.

Click here to download the podcast on Mark’s game plan for being an All-Star Dad when it comes to work-family balance.

As Parents...Are We Doomed to be Fat?

2011-09-22T16:16:00.005-04:00

Having had a baby four months ago…the topic of weight is literally heavy on my mind. The infamous baby weight is still lingering around, and not just for me, but my husband too. Come on…I know I am not the only wife out there with a husband who added a few pounds with sympathy eating… a diet of pizza and Sprite because it was the only thing I could keep down.

These extra few pounds and lack of motivation are not things either of us are familiar with. When we started dating, I ran a marathon and he did a 12.5 mile swim around Key West. We are motivated people …but now…our motivation and endurance are consumed by that of a 12 pound baby girl. The ability to find time and energy with a baby in the house seems pretty much impossible. The idea of getting up at 5:30 before our daughter doesn’t seem ideal after a midnight feeding with a long day of work ahead.

So it had me thinking, as parents…are we doomed to be fat?

In doing some research for NFI’s Fit2Father campaign, I came across an article from a few years ago in the New York Times. It seems my husband and I aren’t the only ones suffering from a drop in activity due to parenthood. A study showed that the amount of time devoted to exercise drops about 37% for mothers, while for fathers it drops a whopping 50%. Couple this with studies that show the more likely a father is to be overweight, yes…fathers more than mothers…the more likely a child is to be overweight…you have a frightening combination.

But how do we find the time?? How can my husband make sure he does not lose that 50%? And how as a family do we stop losing time and start losing pounds??

While the odds may be against my husband and I as parents, I think it’s time we dust off our shoes and make the time or, better yet, pull out that BabyBjorn and carry around my 12 pounds of motivation. After all, if we doom ourselves…we might just doom our daughter as well.

Need motivation to get in shape! Check out NFI’s Fit2Father Program!

Dad is Carpool King

2011-09-20T09:51:00.003-04:00

A recent survey conducted by Chevrolet found that dads are taking a more active role in carpooling their kids to school, extracurricular activities, or daycare – 70% of dads are involved in this responsibility. Unsurprisingly, the survey also found that Dads prefer utility vehicles over minivans, the traditional choice for carpooling, opting for a more masculine / cool vehicle. Dads also value safety, fuel economy, versatility, and passenger capacity as top vehicle features.

At NFI, it’s no surprise to us that Dads are more involved in carpool duties. This is right in line with recent trends showing that Dads are taking more and more hands-on responsibility in caring for their kids and helping around the house. In fact, we’ve blogged about how dads and moms do the same amount of work and how dads are key influencers in family purchase decisions. NFI’s own Vince DiCaro certainly would agree with Chevrolet’s findings because he choose his SUV for the practicality of carrying a car seat, dog, two adults, and lots of equipment.

The fact is, despite record levels of father absence in our country now – 24 million kids or 1 out 3 grow up without their father in the home – when dads are involved, they are more involved than they have ever been in almost every category. Take a look at these statistics (taken from "Marketing to Dads”, August 2010, Mintel.):

Dads have tripled the amount of time they spend on child care since 1965.
Dads have become key influencers and decision makers in all categories of family purchasing, including groceries, financial investments, child and baby care items, and toys.
One-third of men are the primary shopper in the home – in fact, 7 out of 10 disagree that mom does most of the shopping for the kids.
Dads are spending a significant amount of time with their children engaging in play, cooking, and planning healthy and educational activities for their families.

Not only is this increased involvement good for kids – research shows that children who grow up with involved fathers fare better on almost all social, economic, educational, and physical measures and are less likely to be involved in crime, get pregnant, experience abuse, or drop out of school – but it’s also good for moms. In Mama Says, NFI’s survey of mothers’ attitudes about fathering, a significant majority of moms said they could balance work and family better if they had more support from dad. Most likely, the extra help with carpooling from dads is a big plus for moms.

Props to Dads for stepping up and adding “taxi driver” to the many hats they already wear. And props to Chevrolet for taking the time to recognize dads’ increased role in taking responsibility for ensuring their kids get to where they need to go safely!

Mark Brunell: Monday Morning Dad

2011-09-19T12:17:00.004-04:00

Next week, here on this blog, we will begin a 10-week podcast program with New York Jets quarterback, Mark Brunell.

Mark, a recipient of NFI's Fatherhood Award and NFI Advisory Board member, sat down with NFI president Roland C. Warren to talk about all things fatherhood. Each week, we will post a portion of their discussion.

Up first for next Monday: fathers and work-family balance. We hope you visit to download the podcast!

"Up All Night" - A Rookie Parent's Review

2011-09-15T13:15:00.012-04:00

My daughter was born 4 months ago. If you ask Babycenter she is exactly 18 weeks and 4 days. (I am still wondering when they will start counting minutes.) When my husband and I heard about the new series “Up All Night” starring Christina Applegate, we were excited enough to actually stay up until 10 o'clock to watch it. How could we not relate? My husband is a successful financial advisor and works out of our home. He watches our daughter during the day. I just returned to work here at NFI and when I am not here I run a children's photography business. We are busy...we tag team parent and we devote everything to our daughter while still trying to find that elusive balance. As rookie parents, a 30-minute comedy about sleepless nights and new parenthood after we had finally put our own daughter to sleep seemed right up our ally.

During the premier, there were many laugh-out-loud moments that had us nodding our heads in agreement, or rather empathy... For example, there have been many-a-times at the grocery store where we have avoided that one person who insists on touching our child or telling us how she is just so cute...and you meet that person in every single aisle. “Yes…I know my kid is cute…you told me in Aisle 2, 5, and 7 already…Can you leave me alone so I can get the things I came here for before she stops being cute and starts screaming bloody murder?” Also, we just celebrated our anniversary and counted exactly how many hours we had until she woke up and we contemplated turning in early. In the end, we didn’t turn in early and she woke up 15 minutes after we went to sleep. And for the best line of the night seen in all the previews “We're on your side!!" Our daughter just discovered her toes...and trying to change a baby who insists on having her toes in her mouth is pretty much impossible! Really they do seem stronger than us sometimes! In those 30 minutes, I probably laughed a good 15 minutes and, when you consider the amount of time taken by commercials...that is pretty good in my book.

BUT...yes, there is a but...I do have one complaint. It is this…Really??? Another video-game-obsessed, grocery-store-ignorant, irresponsible dad? Since I work out of the house and my husband and I rotate our hours to avoid daycare, I thought that maybe we could relate to the trials and tribulations of these characters more specifically, but my husband is far from sitting around waiting for me to come home. I know it is a comedy and it was an "equal opportunity offender" and poked fun of both moms and dads, but an out-of-touch dad who can only connect with a 4-month-old via video games? Come on NBC…you can come up with something more creative than that.

When you are talking about adjusting to life with a newborn...there is endless material. I know there are plenty of laughable moments in our household for a sitcom. Need an example...the many ways we were advised on getting an infant to sleep. Don't advise this personally, but I have been told a newborn strapped into a car-seat on top of the washer really does the trick. (We resorted to a bouncy at the bottom of our bed that sat between our legs so we could bounce it when she began to stir…worked like a charm.) Or how about the time when my daughter had reflux and had to be upright at all times? The astronaut-style contraption my husband created that included the miracle bouncy and the side of the entertainment center was literally out of this world. Add the working mom into the mix…how about breast feeding and working? Come on…trying to handle a pump, in work clothes in an office full of people who may or may not have children…comical. Rookie parenthood is clumsy, awkward, and down right hilarious…The supply of good material is endless and resorting to a couch potato dad as a primary character... just not necessary.

I will certainly keep watching. I especially appreciated the motherhood moments that had me laughing at myself, but I am definitely going to be hoping for two things for future episodes... One - that Will Arnette's character gets some credit as a dad and Two - the show moves to 8PM.

Are Good Dads Wimps? Fathers and Testosterone

2011-09-14T08:18:00.007-04:00

This is from a recent New York Times article about an important new study: "Testosterone, that most male of hormones, takes a dive after a man becomes a parent. And the more he gets involved in caring for his children ... the lower his testosterone drops."

In other words, good dads are wimps.

I am kidding of course. We at NFI firmly believe that one of the most courageous, and therefore manly, things a guy can do is to take care of his children. The easy, and therefore wimpy, way is to not shoulder that responsibility and walk away. You may walk away with more testosterone coursing through your veins, but you are certainly much less of a man.

But what was more interesting to me about this new study was not necessarily the science of testosterone levels, but the interpretation of the results. Here are a few snippets from the story:

“The real take-home message,” said Peter Ellison, a professor of human evolutionary biology at Harvard who was not involved in the study, is that “male parental care is important. It’s important enough that it’s actually shaped the physiology of men.”
“My hope would be that this kind of research has an impact on the American male. It would make them realize that we’re meant to be active fathers and participate in the care of our offspring.” (also from Peter Ellison; emphasis mine)
“But this should be viewed as, ‘Oh it’s great, women aren’t the only ones biologically adapted to be parents.’" (Lee Gettler, an anthropologist at Northwestern University and co-author of the study; emphasis mine)
Historically, the idea that men were out clubbing large animals and women were staying behind with babies has been largely discredited. The only way mothers could have highly needy offspring every couple of years is if they were getting help.” (also from Lee Gettler; emphasis mine)

I don't think I am overstating it when I say that these are truly remarkable statements about fatherhood.

First is the "who." The fact that academia is drawing these very strong conclusions about the necessity of fathers is a positive sign that our culture is getting closer and closer to giving a real "stamp of approval" to the irreplacability of fatherhood.

Since fatherhood (or so we thought until this study came out!) is largely "constructed" by the culture - in other words, dads get cues from the culture (not their bodies) about what they are supposed to do - it is critically important that the culture send clear messages about the importance of dads. If we expect good fathering, we are more likely to get it.

Second is the "what." As I stated above, we have largely believed that fatherhood is a cultural imperative - if the culture says we need good fathers, we get them. If the culture says fathers are not important, then we are less likely to get them. This is less true with moms, since their biology is so intimately tied with their having (pregnancy and childbirth) and caring for (breastfeeding, female hormones) their children.

But now, the gentlemen quoted above are suggesting that, much like motherhood, there is a clear biological imperative to fatherhood - that men's bodies "tell" them to be good dads. This is huge. We don't have to "make up" reasons for dads to get involved. Clearly there are tons of good ones; research has been abundantly clear that children are much better off when they have involved fathers.

But now that we can point to biology and say that dads are meant to be involved, and perhaps even more importantly, that moms are meant to have male help, the argument is all the stronger for it. At a time when 1 out of every 3 children in the country is growing up without their biological father in the home, we need all the help we can get to show that kids need their dads.

And there is nothing wimpy about that.

When "Father" Loses All Meaning

2011-09-09T09:11:00.005-04:00

There is an incredibly profound line in the movie The Incredibles. The bad guy, Syndrome, says, "When everyone's super, no one will be."

I was reminded of this line when I read this article about a sperm donor being the "father" of 150 children.

It is the last line of the article that reminds me of Syndrome's wisdom: “How do you make connections with so many siblings? What does family mean to these children?”

We live in an age of "family relativism" where the definition of family has become so broad that it has lost all meaning: when everything is a family, nothing is.

NFI's president was at a recent meeting of government officials in which someone asked "how do you define family?" The answer given by the government official was "we define family as any unit in which there is love." Really?

That definition implies where there is not love, there is not family. So, if I am told to pay child support, can I just say, "I don't love my kids, therefore they are not my family, therefore, I don't have to pay child support"? Try that argument out in court.

The reality is that this "love" definition is absolutely not how the government, nor anyone else, should or does define family.

As far as the impact on fatherhood is concerned, this is where I am most worried. Since fatherhood is a culturally constructed institution, when the culture is completely confused about what family is, fatherhood inevitably suffers. The above article discusses how sperm donor fathers are taken by surprise by how many kids their sperm is being used to create. They are keeping spreadsheets to keep track... is this heartless monstrosity the future of family and fatherhood? And note that the article says nothing about the negative consequences that these children will face as a result of growing up without dads.

Tell us what you think...

Our 300th Post!

2011-09-07T15:58:00.002-04:00

300 posts ago, if you had told me we would one day reach 300 posts on this blog, I would have called you crazy. "We are way too lazy to write that many blog posts," I would have said. Well, I have been proven wrong, and here we are at 300 blog posts.

So, in keeping with the theme of laziness, I will not write anything original, but instead, direct you to the 5 most read blog posts in the history of this blog. They must be the most read for a reason - I assume they are pretty interesting or maybe controversial (or at least search engine friendly). So, in celebration of our 300th post, enjoy these 5 blasts from the past:

Hey Mom! Get Dad Involved with Back to School!

2011-09-02T15:11:00.006-04:00

This week many families are prepping for, or even diving into the back-to-school grind. NFI recently contributed to Working Mother.com on advice for mom on getting dads involved this time of year.

If you are a Mom getting back into the swing of things, help ease the transition with these three tips below and then check out the full article!

Back-to-School tips for Mom!

Easing the morning “rush hour”: Shift your day more his way. In the evening after work, dads tend to be able to focus more on family. So, consider shifting some of the morning tasks to the evening, when he’s in “family mode.” Dad can help the kids make school lunches or pack their backpacks before bedtime, which will allow you both to have a less stressful morning.
Homework Help: Tap into his expertise. Taking turns helping the kids with their homework may be “fair” but it might not be what helps you and the kids the most. You’ll both enjoy the helping the kids more if you’re working from your strong points, Dad will be more excited to engage with the kids if he’s confident in what he’s doing, and your kids will get the benefit of both their parents’ strengths.
The Food “Network”: Make cooking a time to connect: Don’t view getting dinner to the table as another chore to check off your evening to-do list. Make it a time for family to “network” and share a fun time once or twice a week.

Read the full article here!

Guest Post: Let the Video Games Begin!

2011-08-31T08:59:00.004-04:00

This is a guest blog post by Chris Dahlen. Chris is the editor-in-chief of Kill Screen Magazine (http://www.killscreendaily.com), a quarterly magazine and website devoted to games and culture. He lives in Portsmouth, NH with his wife and his six-year-old son. Chris contributes his advice on choosing videogames for the family as part of NFI's campaign Let the Games Begin: Get Your Game Face on for Family Game Night.

Videogames are fun for the whole family—but how often does a whole family play them? From the console in your living room to the computer in your home office, you can find hundreds of games that are more fun if you experience them together.

Some parents view videogames as an unhealthy alternative to playing catch, or visiting a museum. But in our home, videogames are the perfect wind-down after all those other activities. My son and I regularly end a busy day with a game that stretches our imaginations and challenges us to solve problems, follow instructions, and work as a team. (I’ve also found that nothing motivates good behavior like granting game privileges—or taking them away.)

Look for games that invite two or more players to work together. If you grew up with games like King’s Quest or Zork, try playing Machinarium: you and your child can split time on the keyboard and work together to beat each puzzle. In Portal 2’s “co-op” mode, you’ll work together to solve a series of obstacle courses that test your brains and your reflexes. Even if one of you takes the lead, the other still plays an important role in completing each challenge. Other games encourage parents to stand back and assist: in Super Mario Galaxy, the parent can use a second controller to assist the child and to point the way to the next goal.

Most of all, find games that are good. Skip the low-quality movie tie-in games, and look for excellent $10-15 downloadables like Costume Quest or Flower. Read reviews, and if there’s a free demo, try it out yourself: is this a game that will be challenging, but not frustrating? Does it encourage co-operative play? Is it too violent, or scary? (ESRB ratings are also your friend: stick with games that have an “E” or “E10” rating and be sure to read the tags, and you should never stumble into anything inappropriate.) Even when your kid plays a single-player game, make time to watch and give advice and moral support. Children only bury their faces in their Nintendo DS’s if you let them: stay involved and they’ll look forward to having you by their side.

Like birthday cake and late-night ghost stories, videogames should be enjoyed in moderation. But they should be enjoyed—and beaten—by the whole family. At a time when too many families find themselves staring at separate screens, lost in their own experiences, a great game can bring the whole living room together.

Fit2Father is Around the Corner!

2011-08-30T16:20:00.005-04:00

In September, NFI will be launching its nationally recognized Fit2Father program. This is a six week online program to help dads connect to their kids through fitness. Healthy fathers create healthy families and Fit2Father helps dads to achieve just that!

Here are three steps that you can take to get Fit2Father-

1. Take the Pledge to get Fit2Father
When you take the pledge you will receive a weekly email in your inbox with helpful tips to get your family connected and get you Fit2Father. Take the pledge!

2. Register to Host a Fit1Father walk in your area!
Raise awareness of the importance of fatherhood in your community and earn helpful fatherhood resources for your local organization when you register to host a walk. Learn more here.

3. Get walking!
Find a Fit2Father walk in your community, or join us in Washington DC on October 16th as we walk for fatherhood in the Acumen Solutions Race for a Cause! Register today!

If there are any questions about Fit2Father, email Brittany DeFrehn at bdefrehn@fatherhood.org

NFI honors Sherwood Pictures with a Fatherhood Award for movie "Courageous"

2011-08-26T12:00:00.005-04:00

Today NFI's president Roland C. Warren is in Atlanta to present a Fatherhood Award to Sherwood Pictures for the film Courageous, being released in theaters on September 30. We are excited about the incredible message this film has for fathers and plan to discuss themes and highlights from the movie in the next few weeks here on The Father Factor blog, on our Facebook page, Twitter, and in our weekly Dad Email. Stay tuned to learn more!

In the meantime...

Read the Press Release about why NFI is honoring Sherwood Pictures with a Fatherhood Award for Courageous here
Watch the Trailer for Courageous here
Watch Roland talking about the impact of Courageous here
Order tickets to see Courageous in theaters, opening on September 30, here

As Roland said, “It’s rare that a movie has the potential to become a movement. But from the moment we saw Courageous, we knew it had the power not only to entertain but to transform the lives of fathers.” Congratulations to Sherwood Pictures, not only for receiving a Fatherhood Award today, but more importantly for their work to inspire men to be the courageous fathers their children need them to be.

Let the Games Begin! Ideas from NFI Staff

2011-08-24T09:45:00.018-04:00

NFI's theme for the month of August is Let the Games Begin: Get Your Game Face on for Family Game Night! We're encouraging families to play games with their families on Wednesday nights, or another night of the week that works best. We got some great suggestions for family games from our Facebook and Twitter followers. Now, check out some of NFI staff members' favorite games to play with their families:

Elaine, mom of one son, has a favorite game that is shared across three generations in her family.

When I was 11 years old, my family and I visited New Zealand. While we were there, we played a British board game called "Crosshand Poker." It's like scrabble, but you make poker hands instead of words. (No betting though!) We enjoyed playing it so much that we brought a copy of it back with us. Over the years, we have continued to play together and have even kept every score card. It is always a good reminder of the trip of a lifetime that we took together. In fact, just last year, I decided to order my own copy online to play with my husband -- unbeknownst to me that my mom had ordered me one at the same time! A great family tradition to pass along to my own son when he gets older!

For Roland, father of two sons, playing games is an opportunity not only for laughs, but life lessons.

I used to love playing "chutes and ladders" with my sons. They took great delight in watching me slide down by landing on the unfortunate spot. The game also offered an excellent life lesson. Sometimes you will encounter obstacles that can set you back due to no fault of your own. Nonetheless, you have to persevere and keep moving forward.

Evelyn, mom of three and NFI's resident ping pong champion, points out that playing games can have helpful physical benefits too!

An easy way to get in shape and have fun is through playing ping-pong. Not only does it increase the heart rate, it improves hand-eye coordination, and burns an average of 175 calories per hour! Children and adults of all ages enjoy ping-pong. Personally, it is an investment paid for itself through active playtime spent with my family.

Melissa shares about life lessons she learned from playing cards with her grandfather.

When I was young, and visited my grandparents in Ohio, my favorite game to play with my Pap was the card game "Crazy 8's". I wasn't all that good at it for many years, but he taught me how to improve my game, amidst my frustration of him winning most of the time. He always seemed to have just the right "last card" to lay down… and somehow I always seemed to be playing right into his hand. But as I got older, I began to play better, and I started beating Pap more often.

However, winning wasn’t really what mattered to most to me about those Crazy 8 games with Pap. It was the time he was spending with me, investing in teaching me how to master something like a card game, that mattered most. He was also teaching me the valuable thought processes of planning and logic, and how to think ahead in order to make wise decisions in advance of taking action.

Now that Pap is no longer with us, I will always remember the time with my Pap and those games of Crazy 8's quite fondly. And that its not just about winning the game.

Erik, dad of two daughters, likes playing games that involve creativity.

We play a drawing game where everyone gets a stack of small sheets of paper and writes down a phrase, movie, song title, etc. Everyone passes their phrase with the stack of paper to the person next to them. The next person reads it, places it at the bottom of the stack and then draws a representation of the phrase. Everyone passes their drawing to the person next to them to write a phrase they think represents the drawing. This continues until each person has their original phrase back. Everyone takes turns sharing their stack of paper and it’s hilarious to hear how the end phrase is nothing like it started out. We also have 2 people in our family who are good at drawing and 3 who are not so we laugh at the pictures too.

We also like to play a series of improvisation games. One is where the family agrees on a scene to act out using an interesting job and 2 players act out the scene while 2 others provide the sound effects. Another one is where the family comes up with a scene using a kind of movie (western, romance, science fiction, etc.) and 2 people act it out while a third person says “new choice” anytime they don’t like what the person says. Then that person has to change their phrase until that person lets them continue with the scene. We also do one where someone writes down silly phrases on slips of paper and gives it to the rest of the family. We pick a scene and pull out the slips of paper to read the phrase randomly throughout the scene. Not only do we laugh hysterically during the scenes, but it creates memories that last a lifetime.

What are some of your favorite games to play with your family? Do you have any special memories attached to those games? What life lessons do you teach your kids through playing games?

Google Chrome Hits a Home Run with "Dear Sophie"

2011-08-23T08:47:00.004-04:00

“In our 17 years of tracking cultural statements about the importance of fatherhood, the “Dear Sophie” film stands out as one of the most positive messages we have ever found." -- NFI president, Roland C. Warren on Google Chrome's Fatherhood Award™-winning film.

If you haven't yet seen "Dear Sophie," Google's short film about its Chrome browser, then watch it now:

As you can see, this was a no-brainer for us in deciding to honor Google with a Fatherhood Award™ for this powerful message about what good dads do.

One of the reasons it is so powerful is that rather than taking the usual tack with technology -- that it is a distraction that only geeks are interested in -- it shows instead how dads, who love technology, can use it to be better fathers. (Kinda sounds like our Tech Savvy Daddy campaign...)

Do you see yourself as the dad in "Dear Sophie"? Tell us about how you use technology to be a better dad.

President Obama and Work-Family Balance

2011-08-22T15:09:00.004-04:00

Forbes just published an interesting take on President Obama's vacation. Putting politics aside, the article (by Lauren Stiller Rikleen) makes a good point about the importance of dads achieving work-family balance for their children's sakes.

I was struck by how simple yet profound this statement is: "...there are important lessons to be learned here about fatherhood. This is because the president is also the father of 2 young girls, both of whom have expectations about family time during the summer..."

When you think about fatherhood from the perspective of what children need, the story looks a little different. Amazingly, this is something we have to do often here at NFI - remind folks that fatherhood should not be thought about from the perspective of adults, but from that of children.

And when you do that in the context of work-family balance, it is clear that fathers are under a great deal of stress, and the environment needs to change to keep pace with fathers' deep desires to be more engaged in their children's lives.

Hopefully, folks will be able to see this particular lesson from the President's actions.

What do you think we can learn about work-family balance from the President's choice to go on vacation?

Flash Mobs and Absent Dads

2011-08-19T13:36:00.005-04:00

Many of you have probably heard about the recent spate of crimes that were driven by "flash mobs" organized via social media and mobile devices.

In case you don't know, a flash mob is "a group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual and sometimes seemingly pointless act for a brief time, then disperse, often for the purposes of entertainment, satire, or artistic expression."

Interesting that this definition (from Wikipedia) does not (yet) include "for the purpose of committing a crime."

But that, sadly, is just what is happening. In fact, a very high profile case just happened in the very town in which NFI is headquartered, Germantown, MD. CNN.com had front page coverage of the incident here: http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/08/18/flashmobs.police/index.html?hpt=hp_c1

The county where NFI sits, Montgomery County, is, on the whole, a thriving community with great schools and safe neighborhoods. But a gang problem is starting to emerge in communities where rates of father absence are higher. These flash mobs are a symptom of that same trend.

Now, you are going to get all kinds of commentary about these crimes, but, as you can suspect, we here at NFI have a very simple question: where are the dads?

We already know that a disproportionate number of gang members and prisoners are from father-absent homes. This is no different; the youth causing this mayhem lack fatherly guidance at home. Sure there are other factors, but if there were involved, responsible, and committed fathers in these homes, these reckless teens would not be engaging in such senseless acts. In fact, most of the dads I have spoken to would not even let such troubled youth have a private cell phone, let alone use one to organize a crime.

So, is there a "father factor" in flash mob violence? You bet there is.

Q&A with Joe Ehrmann, author of InSideOut Coaching: How Sports Can Transform Lives

2011-08-18T13:58:00.005-04:00

Joe Ehrmann is a former defensive lineman for the Baltimore Colts and the Detroit Lions. He and his wife Paula have four children and are cofounders of Coach for America, whose mission is to inform, inspire, and initiate individual, community, and societal change through sports and coaching. Joe’s new book InSideOut Coaching: How Sports Can Transform Lives was released on August 2 and is available for purchase on Amazon and other retailers.

NFI: You start the introduction to InSideOut Coaching by telling a moving story about driving home one night with your young son, realizing how much you love him, and recognizing that your father never felt that way about you. Why do you think a father’s love plays such a crucial role in a child’s life?

JE: Young people are hardwired to get that affirmation and love and acceptance, particularly from their dads, as well as their moms. Their basic self-concept of who they are is dependent on that relationship. Look at the tremendous number of dads who have abdicated that responsibility and leave children with huge questions about their identity and worth. Dads are one of the chief artists in painting the picture of who we are. As I travel the country, it’s the number one condition of children in America – it’s the lack of closure in those wounds as you grow from childhood to adulthood that continues to impact children’s relationships and identity.

NFI: In an age when 24 million children are growing up with an absent father, we need dads mentor kids in their sphere of influence who need a father figure in their life. NFI calls this being a Double Duty Dad. How can coaches fill that role for their athletes?

JE: Sports engage more individuals, families, and communities than any cultural activity, religion, or group. 20-30 million children play youth league sports and 10 million play interscholastic high school sports. 40 million children stand in front of the one of the most influential adults in their lives. Coaches have an unparalleled platform and position to formulate children’s self-worth and identity. When you have players who don’t have a dad, it’s an incredible opportunity to be an example of what it means to be a man. Coaches can teach what fatherhood is, what a dad looks like. Coaches have an opportunity to help kids make sense of their relationship with their dad. The challenge is that coaching has been reduced to win-at-all-costs mentality.

NFI: Who was the most important coach in your life and what character quality of his made the biggest impact on you?

JE: I played for coaches from age 10 to 36. I looked back and charted every coach I played for and graded them if they were transactional (transactional coaches use players’ athletic ability for their benefit) or if they were intentionally transformational in my life (transformational coaches change the arch of their player’s life – they understand that’s the responsibility that comes with the power of the whistle). The most influential coach in my life was my college lacrosse coach Roy Simmons Jr., a man of great empathy and compassion. He was an artist – he saw the aesthetics not only of sports but of life. Lacrosse was a Native American sport, so he taught us about Native American history and took us to art museums. He coached me in a way that I saw things in myself that I had never seen before. When I started thinking about my coaching philosophy, I knew I wanted to be outside of the traditional model so I looked back at him.

NFI: Describe the InsideOut Coaching Process/Program

JE: It’s based on attachment research. Attachment is the formation and maintenance of relationships. 40 years ago a psychoanalyst in Great Britain working with juvenile delinquents asked how some parents had the ability to enable their children to attach to them, or to relate to them, in a way that optimized their development, but some didn’t. The answer has to do with how a parent has processed their own story about themselves. It doesn’t matter how suboptimal or abusive your childhood was, if you make sense of it and integrate it, you are not destined to repeat it with your own children.

My wife and I decided if that’s true in the parent-child relationship, it has to be true in the player-coach relationship. The biggest predictor of a coach’s ability to allow his players to attach to him in an optimal way is if the coach has processed his own story and understood the role of his father and coaches in the formation of his self-concept and developmental need. Once a coach develops his own narratives and makes sense it, it creates an empathic response to his players.

The InsideOut process is building your own narrative by asking 4 questions. 1: Why do you coach? Is it about you or your players? 2) Why do you coach the way that you do? Is the way that you run practices and relationships with players repeating the way you were coached or are you trying to be transformational? 3) What does it feel like to be coached by you? What does it feel like to be a young person with all the pressures (psychological, social, sexual, parental, etc.)? What does it feel like to have you as a coach in the midst of all their developmental needs? 4) How do you define and measure success? Most coaches have none of these things written out or know how to think through it. These questions can only be answered with integrity from your own narrative and life history.

When I started coaching, I had a clear purpose statement about the intent - why I was coaching, what I wanted to accomplish in the lives of my players. I coach to help boys become men of empathy and integrity who will lead, be responsible, and change the world for good. Every practice, drill, and game are designed to help fulfill that purpose.

NFI: What motivates you to do what you do through Coach for America and your other initiatives, such as Building Men and Women for Others?

JE: I’m a product of the 1960s – I was in college during the convergence of the civil rights, women rights, human rights, and war on poverty movements. I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s not a better venue to address these issues than sports. Sports are a metaphor for change. Secondly, I have my own narrative. I’m in touch with my own anger, abuse, and issues I’ve dealt with. I’m very empathic when I think about my own players. When my brother died, Victor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning was influential – he says that the greatest of all human freedoms is the ability to choose how you will make meaning out of your circumstances. I’ve taken the painful parts of my life and figured out how to make meaning out of it to help others. I’m making sure that at the end of my life, I will have been relationally successful and have left a mark to make the world a better place. For me that venue is sports and coaching.

NFI: Anything else you want to share with us?

JE: It is the moral responsibility of every citizen to step in when children have parents who can’t or won’t take care of them. That’s what NFI’s Double Duty Dad initiative is about – when you see children who are abandoned or needing, it ought to touch us. If there’s one problem in America, it’s an empathy deficit. That’s the result of the socialization process of men who are denied access to their feelings or emotions as they grow up. The three scariest words to a boy are “be a man” – we’re telling boys to disconnect their hearts from their heads. So when men become dads, they don’t have the empathy to connect with their kids, and that’s where the problems begin. We need to create empathy – humans are wired with empathy, it’s what separates humans from animals, but it needs to be nurtured.

Thanks to Joe Ehrmann for taking time to talk with us! Check out InSide Out Coaching by clicking here.

Let the Games Begin! Ideas from Dads & Moms - Part 2

2011-08-17T09:33:00.006-04:00

During the month of August, NFI is encouraging dads and moms to make Wednesday night Family Game Night this month. Through our weekly Dad Email, we are providing suggestions of games for all ages and tips on how to make Family Game Night fun for all.

We asked our Facebook friends and Twitter followers to tell us about their family's favorite games and we got an overwhelming response! We shared some of their stories here on The Father Factor last week. Check out the rest of their suggestions below and try some of these games at home with your kids!

We've had a Tuesday night "family night" for a couple of years now. We have played tons of different games, but two of the kids (10 & 11) favorites are a drawing contest (we do about five or six and the winner of each gets to pick the theme and winner of the next one) and plays (where two or three of us make up a play in about 10 or 15 minutes, then perform it for the other one or two).
With grown children we like Phase 10 and Sequence!
We sit around our dining room table and play Uno for the "Championship." The champion gets a kiss on the cheek from each loser. My two daughters and wife love the bragging rights and extra attention. :)
My girls and I enjoy geocaching. It is a great sport to get families outside and having fun. You use a hand held GPS to locate caches (i.e. boxes with a log book to sign and trinkets to trade) hidden by fellow cachers in fun and/or interesting places. Check it out at www.geocaching.com
Scrabble or any word game, helping the younger kids, allowing the dictionary until they get good enough to spell words on their own. Helps in building not only vocabulary and spelling skills but also healthy competitiveness and self-confidence. Some of the other word games could include Boggle, what we call fast Scrabble (now marketed as Bananagrams) where each person forms their own crossword puzzle with their Scrabble tiles, forming as many words as you can from a large word written on paper or a blackboard, etc
We love Twister - an oldie but a goodie!
I always loved the "alphabet game"...finding each letter of the alphabet in order from A to Z. first one wins! Played on a road trip to pass the time.
My daughter loves to play Minecraft with me. I love to build stuff and she loves hunting the monsters!
Table top role-playing games (like dungeons and dragons) because it encourages them to use their imagination.
Favorite family games are twister, Star Wars Monopoly, and Cadoo!
My daughter and I love to make forts! Turning the kitchen table chairs around and draping blankets off the sides of the table make a perfect start for dining room creative construction.

Thanks so much to all our Facebook friends and Twitter followers who shared their family memories and told us about the games their kids love to play! Hopefully these ideas and the ones shared last week inspire you to Let the Games Begin: Get Your Game Face on for Family Game Night Fun! Tell us how it goes on Facebook - we'd love to hear from you!

People Are Dying because of Father Absence...

2011-08-16T13:00:00.006-04:00

Since I am from Ohio and most of my family lives there, I still keep up with the news. Accordingly, I have tracked from afar the trial of convicted serial killer, Anthony Sowell, who raped and murdered 11 women...that they know of. You can read about his sentencing hearing here but note the below passage from the article.

"A social worker, Lori James-Townes, testified for the defense that Sowell had an "extremely horrible" childhood marked by abuse and an absent father and saw nieces whipped almost daily, adding up to a home environment that "had a horrific cumulative effect" on him. She narrated a family tree going back generations that included sexual abuse, absent fathers, health problems, drug abuse and mental illness."

A few months ago, I visited Angola prison in Louisiana, which is the nation's largest maximum security prison. It sits on about 15,000 acres and houses over 5,000 inmates, 4,000 serving life sentences and the rest serving sentences averaging 99 years. Despite these circumstances, they are running the InsideOut Dad program, NFI's program for incarcerated fathers. You see, most of these men are fathers and most of them grew up without fathers and their biggest fear is that their children will follow them to prison. InsideOut Dad helps them break the cycle by teaching them to be better father, despite being in prison.

In any case, I will never forget a conversation that I had with one of the guys. He is serving a life sentence with no parole for first-degree murder. He came to Angola when he was just 17 and has been there for 18 years and he has a 18-year-old son.

Interestingly, he told me that this was not his first time at Angola. He came through the gates of the prison as a 7-year-old boy to meet his father for the first time in the prison's visiting room. He offered that he has a twin brother who is also in prison. Indeed, prison is his family's legacy and he wanted to change this for his son.

This is why I, along with the NFI team, work so hard, despite the obstacles. Children's lives are at stake and, as the story of Anthony Sowell attests, people are dying because of father absence.

But there is hope.

I ask that you will take just a few minutes to click here to watch this short video about how NFI's work broke a prison legacy and saved a child from a possible life of crime and abuse.

Then, I hope that you will click here to support NFI's life saving work. We could really use your help now.

Help us Honor Braydon's Dad

2011-08-15T13:48:00.007-04:00

Last week we posted this article about Braydon Nichols and his father, Army Chief Warrant Officer Bryan Nichols, who died tragically in the downing of a US helicopter in Eastern Afghanistan on August 6th.

After posting this, our staff here at NFI was left wondering…what can we do? We were so touched by his story and wanted to honor this little boy and his father in a tangible way.

Upon researching this tragic event further, we discovered that there were at least 10 other fathers who died in that crash leaving behind 22 children. So, Braydon’s story was just one of 22 other tragic stories unfolding that week.

In response, we have created a campaign, “Honor Braydon’s Dad.” This campaign will collect donations to support other military families on the bases of the fallen soldiers. The donations will be used to provide these families with our Deployed Fathers and Families Guide™ (and other resources) to help during difficult deployments.

We at the National fatherhood Initiative wish to send our condolences to those who lost loved ones on August 6th, 2011 and thank them for all that they have sacrificed. Visit Honor Braydon’s Dad to donate today.

Addicted to Fathering Children? The Definition of a Feckless Father.

2011-08-11T16:01:00.008-04:00

It’s so interesting when fatherhood stories like these hit the news: Is this Britain's most feckless father? People are shocked by stories like this, yet at the same time, many don’t think we have a “fatherhood crisis” in America, or other countries for that matter.

Clearly this guy could have benefited from some of our fatherhood skill-building resources! Perhaps his view of procreation would have taken a different path and he’d be more responsible to bring children into the world that he could actually have the time (and interest for that matter) to be involved with.

Even his mother is “sick” about his choices. Lorraine Cummings says about her son, “'I love Jamie and I love all of my grandchildren. But enough is enough. It is time for my son to stop fathering babies and start being a father.'

I can only image how difficult it is for this man to actually to be an involved, responsible, committed father. With 13 mothers of his children, he’s got quite a “harem” to attend to. Imagine the drama! And his poor kids –being a father is spelled T-I-M-E. And how much of that does this guy really have to give? I mean, he’s busy having his 15th baby with his 13th lover.

The article mentions, “He [Jaime] often spends Christmas day flitting between each of the women and will sometimes spend his money buying lavish gifts rather than buying food and clothes.” Talk about priorities out of order. Does this guy have a care in the world for the children he’s fathering?

From birthdays and holidays, to children’s school needs and a desire for their dad to be there to see them play sports, perform in a school play, or be at some other event they’re participating in, Jaime certainly can’t be there in a way that matters most to his children: time.

Every child deserves an involved, responsible, and committed father.

What are you doing to prepare young men to make responsible fathering decisions and equip them with attitudes and skills regarding marriage to the mother of their children?

The Real Toll of War Through the Eyes of a Little Boy

2011-08-09T16:47:00.009-04:00

Last week, a US helicopter was shot down and 30 US soldiers were tragically killed.

This week, Braydon Nichols, son of Army Chief Warrant Officer Bryan Nichols, the helicopter pilot who died in the crash last week, provided a window into a private world of the toll of war on military families.

After watching the reports on TV that we have all seen, Braydon wrote to CNN to ask that a photo of his dad be included in their reports. His earnest efforts to pay respects to his father tugged on the heartstrings of millions and went viral. See the CNN article here. His Mom recounts how in the past few days she watched her son struggle with the very real reality that his father was not coming home.

Military personnel and their families are making great sacrifices every day. Some are unfortunately forced into making the greatest sacrifice of losing their loved ones- their dads. There are approximately 1.8 million children like Braydon who deal with the hardships of military life. For these families, NFI is committed to providing military families the support they need. Learn more here.

We at NFI extend our condolences to Braydon and his family as well as to the other military families that were impacted last week.

Fatherhood Questions Answered Here

2011-08-08T12:29:00.006-04:00

Do you have questions about fatherhood that you want NFI president Roland Warren to answer? Submit your questions on NFI's Facebook page and we will post his video responses to selected questions throughout the year.

See Roland in action in this video:

Let the Games Begin! Ideas from Dads & Moms - Part 1

2011-08-04T18:08:00.008-04:00

This week, NFI kicked off a new campaign called Let the Games Begin: Get Your Game Face On for Family Game Night Fun! We are encouraging dads (and moms too!) to make Wednesday nights during the month of August Family Game Night and play a game with their kids. Through our weekly Dad Email, we will be providing suggestions for games to play with kids of all ages and tips for engaging kids in family game time. (If you're not already receiving the Dad Email, you can sign-up by clicking here.)

We started the Let the Games Begin! campaign by asking our Facebook friends and Twitter followers - dads and moms across the country - to tell us about their family's favorite games to play. We got a ton of great ideas - so many, in fact, that I have to split this into two separate blog posts to share everything! Take a look what they shared with us and try some of these ideas with your family:

Oh, man. My family is super competitive and we love words, so we have a traditional Scrabble tournament at Thanksgiving that usually lasts 2-3 days...we pair up in brackets and winners play winners. Pre-set family rules apply: 1) one dictionary for the entire tournament, 2) 9 letters per person, 3) timed 3 minute turns. :)
Dance Central on the X-box. Gets the kiddos off the couch and moving around. Also gives them a chance to laugh at their old man as he tries to dance.
My boys love completing stories. For example, I'll make up a beginning, then my oldest will add some details, then the youngest goes and so forth. It gets their creative juices flowing and it's fun to see how differently their minds work.
Monopoly - My daughter recently got into the facebook game and so we started playing the original board game. Thanks for all you do for fathers, we appreciate it so much! I find it is hard to have a network of single fathers that can work together to find ways to enhance relationships with our children. Thank you again!
We have an annual Family Fishing Derby. Kids vs Dad. Winner gets ice cream on the way home.
My dad would always take me outside after dinner and play HORSE in our makeshift basketball court, aka, the driveway. Not only did it keep us active, but it allowed us to talk for an hour or so before the sun came down. I felt comfortable telling him anything, and he knew everything that was going on in my life.
I have 2 little girls, 5 & 8. We have tons of outdoor activities at our house (playhouse, sprinkler, trampoline) and several indoor activities (board games, legos, wii, etc.) but the thing everyone laughs the hardest at and enjoys the most is the Balloon game. Just blow up a balloon lay on the floor and don't let it hit the ground. That's it!
Mine are 7, 4, and 2. They are nuts for hide and seek. I will try the balloon game. Thx 4 the idea.
Apples to Apples byMattel - really FUN during the "defend your answer" part of the game. Kids LOVE as do parents.

Stay tuned for a blog post next week with the rest of their ideas. If you have a game that your kids enjoy playing with you, tell us about it by posting on our Facebook wall and I'll include it!

Father Absence is Preventable: Here's How

2011-08-03T11:00:00.004-04:00

Even though most folks we tell about our work agree that it is important, they sometimes have their doubts about whether or not it is possible to actually prevent father absence. Can you really change people's choices around such a personal issue?

For all of those who have asked that question, or have thought of asking it, watch this video:

Learn more at www.fatherhood.org/connectionsproject/

"Remember When..."

2011-08-01T13:21:00.003-04:00

This is a blog post by Blaire Brachfeld, NFI's Special Assistant to the President. Blaire concludes NFI's "Get Out: Hit the Great Outdoors with Your Kids This Summer" campaign by sharing memories from her childhood.

National Fatherhood Initiative’s "Get Out! Hit the Great Outdoors with Your Kids This Summer" campaign in July motivated me to ask my parents some of their favorite memories from when my sister and I were little. My sister is five years older than I am, so many of the memories she and my parents have, I only remember through pictures and stories. In my family, every story begins with “remember when…”

“Remember when we went to Yellowstone and all mom wanted to do was see a bear?” My mom did end up seeing a bear, on our last day at the national park, near a wonderful spot called Minerva Terrace. I remember, mostly through photographs, how breathtakingly gorgeous it was there.

“Remember when we were at the Grand Tetons and there were field mice in our room?” I can recall a lot of shrieking from my mom and sister. My dad, being the practical man he is told the front desk about the vermin and was informed in the sweetest western twang that field mice are to the west what ants are to the east. So for a week, we coexisted with the mice - we even named them!

“Remember when we rode horses down the Grand Canyon?” My parents to this day make fun of the fact that for some strange reason my 60-pounds was put on the biggest horse of the bunch. I don’t remember much of the ride. I can’t comment on the grandeur of the view. But I do remember that my parents were so proud of me because I wasn’t afraid.

My family has thousands of “remember when” stories, most of which are centered on the time that my family spent together, exploring the world. I may not recall each moment but I certainly remember the feeling of being with the people who love me the most, with the natural beauty of this planet as a backdrop.

Sometimes, when I am alone I can still envision watching the night sky in the secluded deserts of Arizona with just my dad, my mom, and my sister. I see a shooting star blaze by with my eyes closed, and I think, “Remember when I was the luckiest girl in the world?” Yeah, I remember that one. I still am.

Men at Work: Time and Turf Wait for No One

2011-07-29T08:34:00.005-04:00

Husbands across the country can celebrate – Time magazine has printed (on its cover no less!) that married men and women do the same amount of work each day! (Chore Wars, 8/8/11)

This assertion is based on new U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics data that shows that when you combine paid (your job) and unpaid (child care and housework) work, married moms work only about 20 minutes more per day than married dads do, the smallest difference ever reported (in childless couples, men actually work - paid and unpaid - 8 minutes more per day than women!).

While it has become popular for women to air their grievances about their lazy husbands and for the culture to permit them to do so, I think this data is not surprising to most people (is it?).

As the article points out, when mom comes home and starts her “second shift” of caring for the children, it is because dad is still at work… working.

In other words, just because dad’s “first shift” is longer than mom’s does not mean she is working more. She is working “differently” and, as most people also understand, she is often doing so by choice. As the writer of the story -- a working mom -- points out, she is exhausted by all the work she has to do because she decides to go home earlier than her husband does, and thus is the one who faces the children and messy house first.

But despite this, married dads are putting in 53 minutes per day of child care – three times more than they did in 1965 – while moms put in 70 minutes per day (about the same as they did in 1965).

But enough with the data. What is really going on here? Why do moms still feel overwhelmed?

A few of us at NFI have long asserted that the reason moms feel overwhelmed is that they have a powerful desire to be the lead organizer/scheduler/chauffeur/referee/cook/etc in the home, regardless of how much they work, and they often do so at the expense of dad’s involvement. Sharon Meers, in her book Getting to 50/50, writes extensively about this.

So, while dads have had to make room in the workplace for moms, moms have not been expected to (nor have they often been willing to) make room for dad in the home to the same extent. Clearly, out of necessity, working moms have had to allow dads to get more involved, but the fact that women still feel overwhelmed is a testament to the idea that they sometimes can’t let go of their traditional “dominion” over all things domestic.

So, really, the debate is no longer about time, but about “turf” -- and moms want to retain their “home turf” advantage.

This leaves dads in a “transitional” space in which they are expected to do a little more at home (but not too much!), and still be full partners at work. Thus, we have dads feeling even more work-family conflict than moms do! (see the Time article)

So, while it is helpful to have data that shows that dads are not slackers, we still have a problem to solve: how can we help moms feel more comfortable ceding some of their home turf to dads?

Out and About with Trees ...and Books?

2011-07-28T14:36:00.003-04:00

This is a guest post by Ave Mulhern, NFI's Director of the National Responsible Fatherhood Capacity Building Initiative. She shares her memories of exploring the great outdoors with her dad as a child as part of NFI's campaign to help Dads "Get Out: Hit the Great Outdoors with Your Kids This Summer."

Being in the great outdoors was not a big part of my upbringing. I tend to be more comfortable in the great indoors.

That being said, I do remember some wonderful times being out and about with my father who had a love of books and trees. I am the sixth child of a family of eight. Five boys first, then three girls - I am the first girl. In a way, we were like two separate families. The wild, older boys were all car fanatics and they worked in my fathers business, a service station. When we girls came along, my dad was obviously an older, kinder and gentler version of a father. Don’t get me wrong, he was always a bit of a grump and in his later years, he was called (to his face) “Grumps.” This probably was due to a disappointing life for a bright and scholarly man on his way to becoming an attorney who ended up owning a service station fixing peoples cars. Life happens, but with this latter, gentler, girl family he was able to leave the grease behind, for a bit, and have an attentive audience of three to spend time with and share his love of learning - and we believed he knew just about everything.

My father Cornelius (aka Connie) was an avid reader. I can barely muster up a mental image of him not reading a book. He loved history books, business and real estate books, biographies, and nature books. In the summer, he literally took us to the library every single week – and if we didn't bicker in the car, we might get an ice cream at Chernoff’s Pharmacy. He took us to quirky old used bookstores and he owned a lot of books. One collection was the little Golden Field Guides - you know, those little pocket sized nature books titled Birds of North America, Rocks and Minerals, and SeaShells of North America? I suppose they have versions for other areas than North America? But the one I remember most is Trees of North America. I still have it around here somewhere.

Dad would drive to nearby Morris Arboretum armed with the little tree book and he would send us off to identify certain trees. I once successfully spotted a Beech tree based on his vivid description of how the enormous and magnificent branches grow out and down to touch the ground like a giant 70-foot-wide shrub - but underneath, those low branches create a sort of “house” or “fort” that you could play in. He reminded us that these trees must be planted with enough foresight to ensure the proper setting and enough room to mature into their magnificence. Dad drove us around town showing us where the township built the sidewalk around a 200-year-old oak tree preserving it for the future. We saw distinctive Horse Chestnut trees with spring flowers and fall conkers (nuts), the toxic but valuable Black Walnut trees, the beautiful star-shaped leaves of the Sweet Gum tree and the really wretched smelling fruit of the prehistoric female Gingko tree. (The male version doesn’t stink!)

To this day, there are two specimens of those magnificent beech trees, properly placed mind you, on the front lawn of a beautiful estate home nearby. I never pass by them without thinking fondly of my dad and our somewhat-outdoor adventures. My own children were not as interested as my sisters and I – but right now I am looking for that little Trees of North America field guidebook so I can take it with me to Wisconsin to share with our grandchildren. Hey, is Wisconsin considered North America?

Crossing the River Together

2011-07-26T16:42:00.004-04:00

This is a blog post by NFI's Director of Program Support Services, Mike Yudt. In addition to being a father of two boys, Mike is a Double Duty Dad by being a mentor to a boy who is growing up without a father. Mike and his mentee recently went on an outdoor adventure together - Mike shares about this experience as part of NFI's campaign to help Dads "Get Out: Hit the Great Outdoors with Your Kids This Summer."

I’ve been mentoring a boy from Baltimore city for the past 4 years. His name is Aaron and he recently completed his freshman year in high school.

When we first met, he was a skinny 12 year old kid, but is now fast becoming a young man. My heart has been tied to Aaron for several reasons. Given what I do at National Fatherhood Initiative, I sense a special calling to stay connected to Aaron as much as possible since he does not have a relationship with his father. It’s a long story, but the short of it is: neither his mom or his dad are there for him, but he has been raised by his loving grandma.

I know that I can never completely fill the role that his dad is supposed to fill. However, that’s not to say that good can not come out of mentoring relationships. I would not be serving as a mentor if I felt that it wasn’t going to make a difference. The power of a mentoring relationship can go along way in helping fatherless children avoid destructive behaviors, experience the love of another adult, and feel affirmed in ways that they otherwise might not. Investing in the life of another child, whether as a mentor or as a father, can alter the trajectory of that child’s life. We need to have good men step up to the plate as mentors, just like we need an organization like NFI that can address the root cause of why mentors are needed in the first place.

Recently, Aaron and I experienced a special outdoor adventure together. We were visiting Patapsco State Park and ended up on a trail that took us down to a fast flowing river. The river was shallow enough to cross, but you had to be careful given how quickly the water was flowing downstream. We may have been able to cross the river without each other, but quickly realized that the best chance we had to get to the other side was to lock hands and move as a team. When doing so, we were able to cross the river together. And on the other side, I was able to have a conversation with Aaron about something that he was struggling with recently. Aaron is not a big talker, so I kept it brief, but to the point.

In many ways, I view my role as a mentor and as a father as helping Aaron and my children “cross the rivers of life.” Some of those rivers may seem impossible to cross. That’s why it’s critical that we as fathers commit to not only being present, but to being an active and engaged part of our children’s lives. I don’t know which rivers Aaron will be crossing in the near future, but I want to do my part in helping him cross those rivers successfully. Given the baggage that he has from his absent father, it’s especially critical that he have an extra set of male hands to do so...

Did Amy Winehouse have Two Daddies?

2011-07-26T10:28:00.003-04:00

Last Saturday, singer Amy Winehouse was found dead in her home. She was 27 years old. Although the police state that her death is unexplained at this time, there is little doubt that her passing is the result of years of alcohol and drug abuse.

It is sadly ironic that Winehouse’s biggest hit and biographical anthem was the bluesy song “Rehab” where she declared “No. No. No.” to anyone who would suggest that she needed that kind of help. Indeed, her life imitated her art to the bitter end.

Given my work with fathers, there was one line in Rehab that I found especially disturbing. It’s when Winehouse croons, “I ain’t got the time and if my daddy thinks I’m fine…” So, I decided to do a little research to find out who’s her daddy. After all, what kind of father would tell a daughter who was spiraling down into a deadly cycle of addiction that she’s fine?

Well, it turns out that her daddy, Mitchell Winehouse, who nurtured her unique vocal style by singing Sinatra songs to her as a child, clearly did not think that she was “fine.” In fact, it was reported that he was very concerned because his daughter exhibited early signs of emphysema and an irregular heartbeat, all linked to her chain smoking and crack cocaine use. It’s also reported that he often admonished saying, “Yes. Yes. Yes.” and encouraged her to stop touring so that she could get the rehab that she desperately needed.

So, if Winehouse’s real daddy was telling her to go to rehab, then who’s the daddy that she was referring to in her song? Could it be that Winehouse had two daddies?

I think that the answer was clearly yes. The other “daddies” were the drug dealers that made it easy for her to get the high that ultimately brought her very low. All the while, they were telling her that she was fine.

But, they weren’t the only ones.

You see, Winehouse certainly was no “candle in the wind,” but rather, she was a brush fire that the winds of fame helped stoke out of control. In her concerts, she was often high, drunk, and disorderly. Most troubling, at most shows, her fans just urged her on, like in this performance of Rehab at Glastonbury. She was barely standing and visibly incoherent. Yet, the people watching were gleefully smiling, singing, cheering, snapping pictures and taking videos. They were having fun at her expense. They were telling her, she was fine.

Yes, Winehouse had two daddies. One who loved her and gave her life. The other who used her and gave her death. And, unfortunately, she said “No, No. No.” to the wrong one.

Boogie Board Memories and Sandy Snacks

2011-07-25T16:39:00.013-04:00

This is a blog post by Jason Katoski, NFI's Jr. Staff Accountant. Jason shares his memories of beach vacations with his dad and now with his two kids as part of NFI's campaign to help dads "Get Out: Hit the Great Outdoors with Your Kids This Summer."

The first thing that comes to mind when I think of July is the beach. As a child, my family would go to the beach every year (typically the week that the MLB had their Home Run Derby Contest and All-Star Game) and it was always the highlight of my summer. My favorite memories from the beach were when I would be on a boogie board in the water and my dad would try to set me up to catch the waves. Sometimes this didn’t work so well and a wave would wipe both of us out. That was always the best.

Now as a father of two kids (my daughter is 2 and my son is 7 months old) I have continued the tradition and we have been going to the beach with them every summer since 2009. We usually go for one weekend early in the summer to Ocean City and then later in the summer we go to Myrtle Beach for a week. It’s great to play with my daughter who likes to run to the waves crashing on the beach and then run back before the waves get her. My son loves the beach so much that he has decided his favorite food is sand!

Get Outdoors With The Lil’ Ones This Summer (And Don’t Forget The Nosh!)

2011-07-20T15:14:00.003-04:00

This is a guest post by Madison Cowan, a chef, author, and restaurateur. In 2010 Food Network selected him as a contestant for their hit Primetime series, Chopped where he competed and won three consecutive episodes to become the first ever Chopped Grand Champion. He currently appears as a judge on Food Network's new show Extreme Chef. Most importantly, Madison is a hands-on dad to his daughter. Visit Madison's website at www.madisoncowan.com. Madison shares his suggestions for outdoor cooking as part of NFI's campaign to help dads "Get Out: Hit the Great Outdoors with Your Kids This Summer."

Summertime in the city! And everywhere else for that matter. Absolutely nothing beats getting out in the fresh air, whether a back garden, rooftop, stoop or in a kiddie pool with a water hose over your head. Wherever you decide to take in the lovely weather be sure to bring along a bit of sustenance. I can honestly say, without question, one of my favourite ways to relax with the family is hanging out down at the beach dining alfresco.

The thing is, knocking up a picnic lunch doesn't require much planning or effort. Throw a few salad leaves together with grilled peach halves, blackberries, prosciutto, crumble over a bit of blue cheese and lightly drizzle on both olive oil and honey. Salt and pepper to taste, done. Or whisk up a quick Thai sauce of peanut butter, soy, toasted sesame oil, red wine vinegar, chopped garlic and ginger and dried chili flakes. Then pour over cold soba noodles with cooked chicken pieces and blanched broccoli florets, season to taste and garnish with thinly sliced spring onions and sesame seeds for a perfect meal in the park under the stars.

Short on time? Pop round the shops for ready made sandwiches, fresh cut vegetables, sparkling wine and a seasonal berry tart. We caught an outdoor movie recently where takeaway sushi, homemade popcorn and a few bottles of bucks fizz was the order of the day. Alternatively, you can't go wrong with a crusty baguette, cheese, fruit, chocolate and a libation of choice (juice boxes for the young'uns of course). And by all means, use what you have to hand. So shut down the computer, put away the video games, pack up the kids, sunblock, the dog and some sport equipment....nature is calling. Above all else these simple pleasures give our children an abundance of lasting memories and a love of the great outdoors for the ages. Isn't that what matters most?

This ain't about fishing

2011-07-20T09:36:00.017-04:00

If you listen to your local country music radio station, you may have heard Trace Adkin’s new song “Just Fishin’.” If you haven’t heard it, you should… it’ll pull at your heart strings, even if you’re not a fan of country music.

This song resonates in a personal way with NFI’s Senior Director of Events and Logistics, Elaine Barber, because fishing with her dad is one of her favorite memories of childhood. Looking back now as an adult, she appreciates the significance of those moments together – as Trace Adkins says, it’s not just about fishing.

When I was 5 or 6, my Nana and Poppi had a motor home and we always used to go camping with them. I had a Snoopy fishing pole that my Poppi had gotten me and I always loved to fish with my dad when we were camping (which is funny because I don't even eat fish!) One time when we were camping, we forgot my Snoopy pole. I was so disappointed, but my dad made me a homemade fishing pole out of a stick, fishing wire, and hook -- with no reel! We used dough balls for bait and I caught more fish with that pole than ever before. We called it my Robinson-Crusoe fishing pole and my mom has it in her basement still 30 years later!

Flash forward 20+ years and in 2002, NFI awarded The Recreational Boating and Fishing Foundation (RBFF) a Fatherhood Awar d for a public awareness campaign they did titled "Take Me Fishing." One poster showed a picture of a little girl and her dad in a red fishing boat with the line, "Take me fishing because my wedding will be sooner than you think." I asked RBFF to provide me a copy of the poster which proudly hangs in my parent's house -- a reminder of all those wonderful times spent fishing -- just me and my dad.